Steven in TV Land
by CrystalDinnerGuest
Summary: Welcome to TV land where you see your favorite characters in an entirely different light.
1. Cops Beach City

Cops Beach City

 _Warning: I have given up attempting to write canon. If people seem OOC that is done for comedic effect. I am also a Stevidot fan if you haven't guessed from my previous work_

 _Disclaimer: I do not own Steven Universe that pleasure belongs to Rebecca Sugar. Nor do I own any gameshow, reality TV program or any other TV show that might be mentioned._

Schmitt: (To the camera) I am officer Schmitt a recent arrival to Beach City. My partner officer Doug Maheswaran has been serving here for a couple of years. Beach City is a small tourist town with strange happenings going all the time.

Maheswaran: We are officially a dry town. After several bizarre sightings it was agreed that no alcohol would be served so most of our action happens during the day. It is early morning and we have our first call.

The two cops enter a small beach house. Sitting on the couch is a very wet, very upset Peridot wearing a bathrobe. Steven is holding her hand.

Schmitt: We're in response to a sighted peeper.

Peridot: I was horrible officer. I was having a shower when I saw out the window this huge white face staring at me. To make matters worse I think he had a camera

Steven: You should have heard her scream. Well I got in as fast as I could and I saw Ronaldo Fryman.

Maheswaran: Mmm hmmm take us to the bathroom.

Peridot and Steven holding hands point to a small window in the bathroom.

Peridot: That's where I saw him looking straight at me. I uh ran and told Steven about it.

Maheswaran: Miss this window is over 30 feet above the ground. Are telling me somebody just happened to look right in?

Steven: No Ronaldo did not happen to look right in. Ever since Peridot came to Beach City he's been watching us, I mean her. I wouldn't be surprised if he climbed up on the roof.

Peridot: I thought that I would have some privacy and then this happens.

Peridot starts sobbing. Steven holds Peridot comforting her.

Schmitt: Okay calm down. Let's take a look.

They move to the back of the beach house. Some shingles have been removed and the siding looks damaged. It is obvious that someone has been lurking around. Maheswaran is silent thinking something over.

Schmitt: Hey it looks like someone was back there. Hey there's a trail we should follow it.

Maheswaran: Steven why was your hair wet?

The young boy blushes and looks guilty

Steven: Because I had my shower first. Didn't I dear?

Peridot nods. Maheswaran's eyes narrows.

Maheswaran: There is no way that someone could look through your bathroom window, let alone a lardo like Ronaldo. Make a crank call like that again and I'll put you up on charges Peridot.

Steven: Aren't you at least going to follow the trail?

Maheswaran: (Shouting) There is no way Ronaldo could be up here. End of discussion.

The two cops leave the bewildered kids outside their home. As they walk into their car Schmitt turns to Maheswaran.

Schmitt: Look I think we should follow that trail. We can't just leave a stalker running about.

Maheswaran: That boy was my daughter's boyfriend. I can't believe that he would cheat on her like that.

A couple of hours later the officers receive another call. There's been a disturbance on the boardwalk. When they get there the see people running and screaming. On the boardwalk is a huge starfish shaped thing shooting out drill shaped projectiles. A young brown skinned girl with a sword is chasing it. As she swings her sword she does more damage than the corrupted gem ever could. Schmitt runs up to the girl.

Schmitt: Ma'am just put the sword down. Let the whatever it is go.

Connie: You don't understand that thing's a monster. It has to be stopped.

Schmitt: And it will just let the professionals handle it. Isn't that right.

Two animal control officers peer out from behind a tree nodding. Connie tries to run after the gem monster as it races towards the sea shore. Schmitt blocks her.

Connie: You don't understand that thing is a monster and it's getting away.

Maheswaran: Young lady put that sword down. That is not a thing to be carrying around.

Connie: But the Crystal gems are out of town Dad. They're counting on me to protect Beach City.

Schmitt: Protect Beach City? You just did more damage than that starfish thing did.

The animal control officers pack up and head back to the van.

Connie: What are you doing that thing is loose?

Animal Control Officer #1: Connie that thing wouldn't even be near the boardwalk if you hadn't chased it.

Animal Control Officer #2: Yeah and then you took chunks out of the boardwalk. Where are the gems? Shouldn't they be doing this?

Maheswaran: Young lady take that sword and go home. We'll talk this over with your mother after work.

Connie grumbles and walks away dragging the sword. Let behind are buildings and kiosks with sword cuts and smoking holes blasted into them.

Schmitt: You're letting her just walk away? Unpunished.

Maheswaran: Oh that girl will be punished. When her Mom comes home she's going to be grounded for life.

Schmitt: Hey I just received a call a case of indecent exposure on the beach.

A few minutes later the two officers walk onto the beach a crowd has gathered and is taking pictures. The source of the trouble is a lime green girl Peridot. She is blushing blue while hiding behind Steven who is wearing a pair of swimming trunks.

Steven: Sorry about that officer I was just taking Peridot out to the beach.

Schmitt: Naked?

As they come closer they can see the girl is wearing a lime green bikini.

Steven: No not naked I just bought this lime green bikini. I thought the color would go well with her skin tone.

Maheswaran: A little too well. You've gone too far Peridot. Get out of here and cover yourself up before I arrest you.

Steven: Stop being so mean to my girlfriend er teammate. I chose and bought the bikini.

Steven then takes out a pink shirt and hands it over to Peridot.

Steven: Come Peridot lets go to the boardwalk. I'll show you how to have some real fun.

A few minutes later the cops received a call. They come to a small house in town. Waiting for them is a redheaded teenager.

Lars: Thank you for coming so quickly. I was just surfing the net before work. When I came across the Keep Beach City Weird site.

Schmitt: Are you a fan?

Lars: No, I just look at it when I need a laugh. Well what I saw wasn't funny. It was listed under alien breeding experiments.

The boy turns his laptop to show the officers a pixeled out screen. Maheswaran gasps.

Maheswaran: I knew that boy was lying about not being in the shower. How could he do this to my daughter with that alien scum?

Schmitt: Well there's conclusive proof that Ronaldo Fryman is peeping. We need to bring him in.

Lars: He hangs out at the old lighthouse. That's where you'll probably find him.

The officers look up a hill. The lighthouse is gleaming white on the top. When they reach the top. Maheswaran knocks on the door.

Maheswaran: Police open the door.

Behind the door they can hear noises. Maheswaran just waits while Schmitt is getting impatient.

Schmitt: Oh for God's sake what are you waiting for a written invitation?

Schmitt kicks down the door. Once they enter they can see an empty desk, some climbing equipment in the corner and Ronaldo wedged in a window. All the officers could see is Ronaldo's big butt. The teenager's legs wriggle as he desperately tries to escape. Maheswaran and Schmitt strain as they try and pull Ronaldo out.

Ronaldo: You can't conceal the truth the public deserves to know.

Schmitt: About what? The private lives of two people.

Ronaldo is finally pulled out. Maheswaran puts the cuffs on him.

Ronaldo: They're not people. These are alien beings, intent on pirating our reproductive processes.

Schmitt retrieves the computer just outside the window. He scans the files

Schmitt: Maheswaran this looks bad. There are files going back 3 months he's definitely stalking Steven and Peridot.

As they drag Ronaldo out of the lighthouse the fat boy starts shouting at the top of his lungs. There is now a small crowd of people just outside the lighthouse. Lars is in front smirking.

Ronaldo: It's a quiet invasion everybody. Rock people are breeding right here. They're reproducing doesn't that scare you?

Lars: No but the thought of you reproducing does.

The crowd of people look on as Maheswaran and Schmitt shove Ronaldo into the back of the car. Lars smiles and takes a picture with his cellphone. Ronaldo sticks his head out of the car.

Ronaldo: Green children, everybody they'll be in your schools, playing with your children and then they'll take all the jobs. We have to stop them.

In the car Schmitt turns to Maheswaran.

Schmitt: That kid's a mess. What delusions he has, rock people. I don't know if we should take him to jail or the hospital.

Maheswaran: He's right about the rock people.

Schmitt makes a face and keeps driving.

An hour later the two officers receive a call about a small child in a dangerous situation. When they get there they see Onion standing on top of the water tower. He is peeing on the onlookers below.

Maheswaran: Oh there's no problem. That's just Onion.

Schmitt: You mean your perfectly fine with a five-year-old on top the water tower? What is wrong with you? And where are his parents?

Maheswaran: Oh Onion's different a free spirit. His Dad is fishing at sea and his Mom's at home.

Schmitt: I can see why this town of less than 1000 people needs more than one officer. I'm going to get that kid to safety.

Schmitt climbs up the ladder and brings the young Onion down. Once Schmitt places the boy on the ground Onion runs away and starts throwing rocks through windows. Maheswaran does nothing, Schmitt glares at him.

A half hour later there is a call at the grocery store. Onion has gotten to the store and is smashing watermelons while a clearly upset Steven looks on.

Steven: Onion Noooo! My babies.

Maheswaran: All right everybody nothing to see.

Maheswaran picks up Onion and puts him into the police car. The small child peers out evilly. Schmitt does a double take as Steven walks away with a bag of groceries, beside him is the starfish thing holding another bag.

Schmitt: Steven what are you doing with that thing?

Steven: Oh Starry here is helping me with my groceries.

Maheswaran: Are you aware that thing was terrorizing the boardwalk this morning?

Steven: It's okay I reformed her and now she's helping us.

Starry: What can I say, the boy has a way with words.

Schmitt stares bug eyed at the pair. Maheswaran looks on unimpressed.

Maheswaran: This is what I put up with every day.

Behind them the car starts. The sirens start blaring as it drives away. Onion is in the front seat with an evil grin. The boy crashes the police car into the telephone pole and the grocery store is set on fire.

Later Maheswaran and Schmitt are patrolling the boardwalk. Neither officer looks very happy.

Schmitt: I blame you for smashed police car. Now we have to walk everywhere until we get a new car.

By the arcade they hear screaming. The two officers look at each other and race in. Two girls are rolling on the ground Connie and Peridot. As Schmitt and Maheswaran pull the girls apart they are kicking and screaming.

Schmitt: Ladies, ladies please explain what's going on?

Connie: That freak is wearing my shirt.

Peridot: No I'm not I found that in Steven's closet.

Connie: Don't think I don't know about you and Steven. I read Ronaldo's blog.

Connie starts crying. Maheswaran hugs his daughter.

Maheswaran: There, there, I know how upsetting that is. To find out about Steven and Peridot having sex through a blog.

Connie:(stiffens) They've been having what?

Screaming Connie launches herself at Peridot. Outside Steven sees this and runs straight in.

Steven: What is going on?

Peridot: I don't know I was just playing video games when Connie attacked me from behind.

Connie:(Starts crying messily) Steven have could you do this to me? I thought we had something special. How could you sleep with that monster?

Maheswaran: How could you sneak around behind my daughter's back like that?

Steven: I broke up with you two months ago Connie but you just won't let go.

Connie: Because you wanted to date Peridot. She's not a real girl Steven.

Steven: She's real enough.

It takes both officers to hold Connie down as Steven takes Peridot's hand. Before Steven leaves he takes the shirt Peridot is wearing and flings it into Connie's face.

It is sunset and Schmitt is on patrol himself. He sees Steven and Peridot kissing on the beach. Schmitt clears his throat.

Schmitt: While it's great that you've found love I can't help but wondering where are your caregivers Steven.

Steven:(looking sweaty) Oh they're away on business.

An unearthly screech is heard. Schmitt's eyes widen as he sees Alexandrite and Yellow Diamond grapple just off the shoreline.

Next week on Cops Beach City

Officers Schmitt and Miller on Patrol.

Schmitt has pulled over a space pod. Sticking her head out the window is a drunk looking Amethyst.

Schmitt: Ma'am step out of the UFO I'd like to give you a breathalyzer test.


	2. The Dating Game

The Dating Game

 _This is no way canon but works if Yellow Diamond is Peridot's Mom_

 _Enter to a seventies style TV studio set. The walls are in bright colors with big blotchy shapes. On one wall are the words 'The Dating Game'. The studio audience cheers as the host enters._

Ronaldo: Welcome everybody to the dating game. I'm your host Ronaldo Fryman. Let's introduce the lucky bachelor Steven Universe and his family.

Steven waves nervously to the crowd while his family Greg his dad, Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet smile and wave playing up to the audience.

Ronaldo waves the group off set and two other people enter.

Ronaldo: Now let's meet our bachelorettes Peridot

Crowd boos and hisses

Ronaldo: and Connie

Crowd boos and hisses louder

Ronaldo: Okay let's go over the rules. You will be out of sight of Steven in specially designed booths. You are to answer the questions posed by the bachelor Steven Universe and his family. You will not answer any questions regarding, age, occupation, name and species. When all the questions are answered Steven will choose his date and you will be off in a date at an undisclosed location. (whispering to the audience) mask island. Are you ready?

Connie: Yes

Peridot: Affirmative

Steven: This is a question for both bachelorettes. What are your interests and hobbies?

Connie: I like sword fighting, going on missions, doing magic stuff and Steven.

Peridot: I like building giant robots, fixing things and travel.

Pearl: This is a question for both bachelorettes. Where do you see yourself in 200 years' time?

Connie: Dead

Peridot: I see myself running a small practice in an isolated colony at the outskirts of the Gem Matrix.

Garnet: Pearl that wasn't a fair question. Now a question for both bachelorettes where do you see yourselves in 20 years' time?

Connie: I see myself fighting by Steven's side in the great gem war to come.

Peridot: I see myself as the attending physician on a cruise ship.

Amethyst: Okay I've got a good one. This is a question for both bachelorettes. You are trapped in a desert island with Steven what do you want to take with you?

Connie: I have everything I need when I'm with Steven.

Amethyst: Really?

Connie: Okay my sword and a box of condoms.

Crowd goes eww!

Peridot: Well that was disturbing. You've haven't even reached puberty. As for my answer I would want my limb enhancers, my robiniods and a working cell phone.

Amethyst: I thought you didn't need your limb enhancers.

Peridot: I can do anything with my limb enhancers from welding to flying as well as constructing and powering a shelter.

Steven: This is for bachelorette number 1. What is it you like about the planet Earth?

Connie: Peridot finds nothing that she like about Earth she finds the people stupid and ugly. Their culture is crude and lowbrow.

Peridot: I'll speak for myself thank you. Well Steven I've mostly spent time either hiding from your gems or working on the drill. I haven't really had time to explore this planet or its culture in depth.

Steven: Surely there's something you like.

Peridot: Yes, you.

Stars light up in Steven's eyes.

Greg: This is for both bachelorettes. Money time and place are no object name your perfect date with Steven.

Connie (with stars in her eyes) Well first we'd go on a mission. We'd fuse to become Stevionne.

Connies' mother calls out no way young lady.

Connie: We would fight and kill a monster after which we'd go out for pizza.

Peridot: My perfect involves no endangerment whatsoever. I'd take Steven to a music festival on Feldspar 6. Then we'd swim in the photon sea. After washing away the smell we would head to our luxury hotel room, fuse and watch a musical.

Steven: this is for bachelorette number 2. What's your favorite food?

Connie: I like anything when I'm with you.

Steven: Your favorite book? Both girls this time.

Connie: The Unfamiliar familiar series

Peridot: Treatment methods of low grade Corruption and Chipping by Ruby 26239-447

Greg: Both bachelorettes what is Steven's biggest fault?

Connie: Nothing Steven is perfect

Peridot: His ukulele the way he insist on playing it all the time.

Garnet: This is for both bachelorettes. Yellow Diamond is coming to Earth to start a war how would you protect Steven and the planet Earth?

Connie: I'd train even harder than before. I'd be at the ready to fight with Steven by his side.

Peridot: I'd take Steven to Homeworld and introduce him to my Matron.

Greg: For both bachelorettes this time. If you couldn't see Steven anymore what would you do?

Connie:(tears up and starts crying) I don't know what I'd do.

Peridot: assuming I'm still trapped here date Connie.

Greg: okay why?

Peridot: Well humans I find just look wrong but Connie looks like an obsidian. She knows gem culture and how to fight also she doesn't smell like garbage the way Amethyst does.

Amethyst: (Runs away crying)

Peridot: I'm just saying Amethyst may have cleaned up her room but she is in sore need of a sanitary immersion.

Greg: Name one thing you would change about the planet Earth both bachelorettes.

Connie: Everything on Earth is perfect. All life is sacred and everywhere is beautiful

Peridot: While this planet has many problems. The one glaring thing I would change is to extend the lifespan of a human being to about 500 years.

Steven: Bachelorette 1 What is it that you miss most about your home?

Peridot: I could really use a cup of hot Jalla.

Greg: Okay both bachelorettes this time Steven has eaten all your cookies or drank all your jalla. What do you do?

Connie: Everything of mine is his. I wouldn't get mad.

Peridot: I'd take him to the hospital and get his stomach pumped. Jalla is toxic to humans.

Greg: And if it wasn't.

Peridot: That would learn him not to drink all my jalla.

Greg: This is for Bachelorette number 2. What is your favorite-

Connie: Steven

Greg: What are plans for the future?

Connie: Steven

Greg: Your career?

Connie: Steven

Garnet: Enough let's ask the important question here both bachelorettes. You and Steven have been captured and sent before Yellow Diamond. Act out what you would do?

Connie: (Swinging her sword). You think you've won Yellow Diamond well you've not. You cannot break us our love is too strong. You can kill our family, make the world burn but we still won't give up. Because we believe in love and freedom.

Peridot: (Waves her hand) Hi Matron. This is Steven I've been dating him since I got captured by the Crystal Gems and forced to work on their drill. I sent a distress signal almost a year ago. I know you're busy running the matrix but seriously where the hells have you been?

(There is an uncomfortable silence in the room)

Ronaldo: Okay that's all the questions for today. Let's ask bachelor Steven his choice.

Greg: We chose bachelorette 2. She's human.

Steven: I'm not a kid anymore. Let me decide for myself.

Greg: Steven you're 14

Pearl: For 6 years in a row

Amethyst: (Turns into a helicopter) Actually I've got a better idea. Let's take Steven and Peridot to Mask Island right now. Kids get in!

 _Inside the Amethyst chopper_

Peridot:(Turns to Steven): So who would you choose.

Steven: Not Connie

Peridot smiles

Moments later the couple are on a sandy beach staring at Amethysts retreating form.

Peridot _clearly miffed_ : She just destroyed the warp pad. We're trapped here, we have no equipment or provisions. What do we do?

Steven _waggles his eyebrows_ : Oh I know a game we could play and it doesn't need that much equipment.

 _A few weeks later the couple are in grass skirts. Peridot is wearing Steven's T-shirt. Both are sitting on the sand playing go with black and white stones_.

 _Times passes. A giant warship in the shape of a big face lands on the beach of mask island. The mouth opens and out pops Amethyst tied up with a group of soldiers and a clearly irate Yellow Diamond._

Amethyst: I told you we kept them safe. Here's where they are.

 _Enter Steven and Peridot looking much older. Peridot is holding a baby to her breast. Yellow Diamond's jaw drops_.

Peridot: Hello Yellow Diamond. This is Steven my paramour. I started seeing him after I got captured by the Crystal Gems which was over 2 years ago. I realize you were busy but seriously where the hells have you been?


	3. Momswapped

Momswapped Meet your New Mommy

 _Note: This is a parody of reality tv not a story about Peridot, Lapis or Jasper raising Steven._

Hello and welcome to Momswapped where we take 2 families and switch mothers for two weeks. In Brookfield, Minnesota we have Marianne Richler(35), a housewife and active member of her church and PTA with her husband Jeff(39) and their 3 children Suzy(11), Becca(14) and Bobby(8). Jeff is a bank manager for the local bank and is a scout leader. The family lives in a nice 4-bedroom house. (Family waves outside their lovely white picket fence with immaculately kept garden.

Marianne: I tend to run a tight ship with family values. We are active members in our community and go to church every Sunday. We also believe in traditional roles. Moms stay at home and Dad is the boss and breadwinner. I am proud to say that I am teaching my daughters to be proper young ladies.

Now in Beach City Delaware we have Pearl and her partner Garnet. Together they are raising their 4 adopted children, Steven(14), Peridot(36), Amethyst(4500) ad Lapis Lazuli(10000). The family waves in front of their Beach house, with a ruined temple in the background. Frequent visitor to the house is Greg Universe breadwinner and father to Steven. Greg lives in a van outside the carwash business he owns.

Pearl: To say this household is unconventional is an understatement. We spend our time fighting the forces of evil like monsters or the Diamond Authority. Just last week we drilled to the center of the Earth to destroy a monster that had been growing there for thousands of years.

 _Next up the Richler's meet the Crystal Gems._

The two families face off at a large table. On one side are the Richler's blond and blue eyed, Jeff is in a suit and tie, Marianne is in a blouse and capris, the girls are in nice dresses and Bobby wears jeans and T-shirt. On the other side are Pearl and Garnet with their 4 children, Steven Universe, Lapis Lazuli, Amethyst and Peridot.

Marianne: My what a colorful family you have.

Garnet (Smiles mysteriously) Thanks we're working on acquiring orange and yellow.

Host: Okay you know the rules. Moms you switch places for two weeks for the first week you follow house rules for the second week you set the rules which the family must obey. I am clear?

Pearl Nods

Marianne Nods

 _Week 1 Marianne_

Marianne smiles into the camera. The camera pans around the beach house. Marianne's luggage is in Steven's cubby.

Marianne: To start with the sleeping arrangements are unusual. They just don't sleep or so I thought.

It is late at night and Marianne walks into the bathroom. Peridot screeches in fright causing Marianne to flee the bathroom.

Marianne: Let's just say after that experience I didn't need to use the bathroom that night. On the plus side they gave me Steven's bedroom to sleep in while Steven sleeps in his dead mother's bedroom. Mornings are start out normal I make breakfast then it all goes downhill from there.

Marianne is working away on the stove. She looks in pride at the wonderful breakfast she has made.

Marianne(shouts out): Steven, Amethyst, Lapis and Peridot time for breakfast.

Peridot wearily comes out of the bathroom. Followed by Amethyst and Lapis from the temple. Last comes a sleepy Steven in a large white ball gown. Marianne stares wide eyed.

Steven(indignant): What? My clothes are in the loft and I forgot to bring pajamas.

Marianne: You're bringing your pajamas in tonight as well as a change of clothes.

Marianne: Lapis and Peridot go off to school leaving Steven and Amethyst behind. Turns out today is laundry day.

In his ball gown Steven takes a basket of laundry outside only to be stopped by Marianne. Once outside Marianne inspects Steven's clothes. There are stains of every color imaginable, as well as dirt and some scorching.

Inside the house Garnet and Amethyst are laughing and drinking coffee. The house is in shambles bright green splotches are on the walls and there is broken furniture. Marianne comes inside and gasps.

Marianne: What in the name of god have you been doing?

Garnet (hands Marianne a mop) Our job, fighting monsters, now go do yours.

Marianne: Turns out Steven is a sweet considerate boy if a little strange.

Marianne is busy scrubbing the walls while Steven still in his ball gown is mopping the floor.

Marianne: You know the laundry is done now.

Steven: I know but this makes me feel closer to my mother.

Marianne: All is quiet until after school. Then I get to meet Connie.

Marianne is enjoying a cup of tea with Lapis while Steven has changed back into his normal clothes. The door knocks and Marianne answers it. There waiting outside is Connie (13) with a large sword strapped to her back. Marianne screeches and steps back.

Connie (With a weird smile on her face): Hi I'm here for sword fighting practice with Steven.

The two children spar outside as Marianne looks on wide eyed. It is later in the evening and Marianne has prepared a nice dinner of chicken casserole and green beans. Steven stares at the casserole while Peridot plays with it. Amethyst has already eaten hers and Lapis' Plates and all.

Steven: What is this? It looks weird, usually we eat microwave pizza.

Marianne: That is a real dinner, a chicken casserole. Peridot why aren't you eating yours?

Peridot: I don't like eating. The food gets stuck on your teeth on one end and on the other end(shudders). Besides I get my energy from harvesting light.

Peridot (to the camera): Sometimes I think that humans don't like eating either. Until Mrs. Richler told me that was a chicken casserole I had no idea what the components of that casserole was.

Marianne: The rest of the evening and the next two days are relatively quiet then it all hits the fan.

 _Pearl_

Pearl: First off I do a lot of this at already at home. Though only Steven needs laundry and he does that himself now. Here on the other hand.

Pearl looks wide eyed at a huge pile of laundry. Then she reads the cleaning instructions and her eyes open wider. Grumbles to herself how this was going to take all day.

Pearl: Dinner times are a more elaborate affair. Honestly I don't believe they do this, every night.

Pearl sets up an elaborate dining table there are candles burning. She calls out to her new family before forming an evening gown. The Richlers all come in wearing suits and fancy dresses. Pearl serves them each their dinner which is pie.

Bobby:(Makes a face) Meat in pie I never heard of that. I'm not eating that.

Pearl: (Reads the cue card Marianne gave her.) You will eat it and you will like it. Think of the starving children in China.

The family talks about their day. Pearl forces herself to smile nodding politely. Pearl serves dessert which is unsurprisingly pie. The girls leave the table.

Pearl: Where are you going I made this pie for all of you.

Suzy: We have to watch our figures no man will want us if we look like fat pigs.

Pearl: Is this what your mother tells you?

Becca: (looks uncomfortable) No.

Pearl: Well then eat your pie. I have studied nutrition and I can tell you that you are not going to get fat eating your dessert. Besides at your stage of development you should not be-

Jeff: Okay enough with the Einstein talk. Let's not fill their heads with useless information.

Pearl glares at Jeff. The girls scurry off.

Later in the master bedroom. Jeff is stroking the bed looking up at Pearl.

Jeff: It's getting late don't you feel sleepy?

Pearl: No. I am an alien I don't need to sleep.

Jeff: Aw c'mon aren't you interested in experiencing a real marriage?

Pearl: The show is called Momswapped not Wifeswapped. I'm going to fix the furnace and then do laundry.

Pearl: (to the camera) Well on the first night I got a lot done. I prepared lunches for the children pies of course. Finished the laundry, prepared dinner and fixed the furnace. Also I didn't like the sound the car was making so I gave it a tune up.

Next morning Pearl the family gets up and ready for the day. The girls don't have breakfast while Bobby and Jeff eat a pile of pancakes. Pearl looks on in disgust.

Jeff: So what did you do last night instead of sleeping Pearl?

Pearl: I caught up on laundry, packed lunches and repaired your car and furnace.

Jeff: Well don't do too much you're making me look bad. While we're out can you mow the lawn, weed the garden and make something for the church bake sale?

Pearl: (to the camera) I can't wait for this week to be over. Then it will be my turn.

 _Marianne_

Marianne: I am at my limit. First off there's the smell coming from Amethyst's room. I somehow managed to get in there and it was horrible.

Marianne's eyes widened at the trash heap that is Amethyst's room. There are strange unidentifiable creatures running around the piles of garbage. Then the slinker enters and attacks Marianne. The housewife beats it off surprisingly effectively with a broom.

Marianne: Then after school Connie came in.

Marianne watches as the two teenagers run into Steven's room. She puts her head to the door and hears giggling

Marianne: Steven's a growing boy. There's no way he should be in his room with a girl with the door closed so I decided to put a stop to it.

Somehow Marianne manages to open the door to Steven's room. A huge T rex head bursts out snarling. Marianne quickly closes the door again.

Marianne: I needed a clean pair of pants after that. Then it is late at night I am cleaning up after Lapis when Peridot comes in followed by Amethyst.

Marianne: What are you doing out all night young lady?

Peridot: (Rolls her eyes) Working, I have a job at Funland you know.

Marianne: and you Amethyst.

Amethyst: hey I'm over 4 thousand years old I don't have to answer to you.

Marianne: Then act like it. And you Lapis stop treating me like a maid.

Later on Marianne is trying to get some sleep while Amethyst and Lapis watch TV. Peridot peers her head out the bathroom.

Peridot: Keep it down will ya? I'm trying to finish my history report.

Marianne: If I thought last night was bad today was even worse.

Morning and Peridot and Lapis are squabbling over something. Peridot pushes Lapis and in response Lapis forms a water hand and slaps Peridot.

Marianne: That's it you're grounded young lady and no TV.

Lapis narrows her eyes.

Peridot and Lapis leave for school while Garnet meditates in her room. Amethyst is with Steven they are fiddling with an old car.

Marianne: Amethyst what are you doing?

Amethyst: (Shouts out) Teaching Steven some life skills. Right now we're hotwiring a car and then we're going driving.

Marianne: That really isn't appropriate shouldn't you like be teaching him school courses or something?

Amethyst: Well that's Pearl's job and I don't know how to read.

Later on in the day school ends. Connie appears and they at Marianne's insistence spar outside. All seems well until Peridot comes home. Marianne is enjoying a cup of coffee when she hears screaming. Outside Connie is chasing Peridot with a big pink sword. Steven looks on with a sweet looking grey kitten in his arms.

Marianne rushes outside and grabs the two.

Marianne: Ladies what is going on?

Peridot: I don't know I was just thanking Steven for all the help he's given me when Connie went crazy.

Connie: You said he could have your pussy.

The kitten meows sweetly. Steven smiles and strokes the kitten. In the background Lion snarls.

Peridot: That's right Lars in the Big Donut said this would be the best gift I could give Steven, a pussycat.

Marianne: That's it Connie I'm calling your mother, then I'm calling on Lars right now and get to the bottom of this.

Marianne:(Speaking on the cell) Hello Mrs. Maheswaran your daughter is nothing more than a sword fighting hooligan. No this is not Pearl. My name is Marianne Richler. Look It doesn't matter, your daughter tried to run through Peridot with her sword. Doesn't matter not serious? Well I can see where she gets her callous attitude. Don't let your daughter come here again. Goodbye.

Marianne marches right down with Steven and Peridot in tow. She knocks on Lars' house inside she hers meowing. A tall lanky teenager holding a cat answers the door. Two other cats race out the front.

Lars: Hello can I help you? Oh Steven did you like the kitten I helped Peridot pick out?

Marianne: turns out Lars' mom is a crazy cat lady. (Looks down at the kitten and strokes it) Though I can see where's she's coming from.

Next morning the temple door is open. Marianne with mop and cleaning supplies lets herself in.

Marianne (To camera) Part of my job is to clean and maintain the home. So I tried again today. First there was Lapis's room.

Marianne sees the flowing water towers looks round and then dumps chlorine tablets into the water.

Marianne: Next I tackled something called the burning room

Marianne is in the bubble dungeon with a feather duster. Dusting the bubbled gems. A flustered Amethyst rushes over and shoos Marianne away.

Marianne: After that they said I should home school Steven for a while.

Marianne is sitting on the kitchen table with Steven as he does his schoolwork. The boy gets bored and reaches for his ukulele which Marianne snatches away.

Marianne: Things ended up being rather quiet and then it was bedtime for me that is.

Amethyst and Lapis are watching TV at full blast laughing away. Marianne in her pajamas asks them to stop but they just ignore her. After a few minutes Peridot very angry and cranky walks over and smashes the TV. Off camera the crew claps.

Peridot: Now will you go into your rooms for the night?

Amethyst: I'm reporting this.

 _Pearl_

Jeff: (To the camera) I know I wanted to try something new and I know Pearl has been obeying all our house rules but I am at my limit. Every day it is the same thing pie, pie for dinner, pie for lunch and pie for dessert. I asked her to please make something different this is what I got.

The family all sat at the dinner table looking apprehensive. Pearl walks in with a pizza carton.

Pearl: Well people I took your requests to heart and decided to do something different. Tonight I have ordered us some pizza.

Bobby: Alright Pizza pie!

Jeff face palms.

Pearl: (To the camera) Well since I do most of the housework at night, my job during the day is to act as chauffer. I take the kids to school, Jeff to work and after school I run the kids to their various after school activities. Bobby to soccer and scouting. The girls both go to ballet and Becca trains for an upcoming beauty contest and goes to modelling school. Suzy goes to an afterschool art program.

Jeff: (grins manically) I at the end of my rope. If I see another piece of pie, I'm going to scream but I have a plan. Yes, I do. (laughs wildly)

They family is outside of the house. Jeff and Bobby are dressed in hunting gear standing in front of the car.

Jeff: Me and Bobby are going on a hunting trip with a friend of mine. We'll be away for the entire weekend.

The pair drive off leaving Pearl with the two girls.

Pearl: So what do you do during the weekend?

Later in the house the girls are having a huge pajama party with 20 of their closest friends. The music is blaring, the pop is flowing and chips are being eaten with abandon. Off to the side Pearl slumps down on the table.

Pearl: I really doubt they do this, every weekend but these girls deserve some fun.

Meanwhile in the forest round the campfire Jeff, Bobby and his friend Mitch are seated skinning rabbits.

Mitch: Well that was quite a big haul of rabbits. How about we try a recipe my wife got for me?

Jeff and Bobby nod enthusiastically. Later Mitch presents then with a large pie.

Mitch: Ta da it's rabbit pie. Just like what the pioneers used to eat.

Jeff beats his head against a tree trunk.

 _Marianne_

Marianne: (To the camera) It is Friday night and we are at Greg's carwash. The man is living in a van and he has a perfectly good apartment in the carwash. He doesn't use it because he says its haunted so we are here tonight on a stake out. I knew this family was nuts I just didn't expect the human to be crazy too.

Garnet: (Smiles at the camera) When Steven told me of Greg's predicament. I knew exactly what to do. This thing is not ghost but rather a corrupted gem monster taking refuge in the apartment over Greg's office. We're going subdue and contain it.

Marianne and the gems are all sitting on the floor in Greg's abandoned apartment. The gems including Steven have their weapons ready. Marianne is holding a large spear.

Marianne: Tell me why am I doing this again?

Garnet: You are taking Pearl's place and this is one of Pearl's duties.

Marianne: So Pearl does all the housework, homeschools Steven and fights monsters. Isn't that a little too much for one person even if she's an alien.

The night passes slowly as the group waits. Steve starts to fall asleep as Peridot does her homework on her computer. Amethyst leaves and comes back with a big flask of coffee. Later Peridot falls asleep in Steven's arms. Marianne is about to separate them when Amethyst shakes her head. Then at about 3 am it happens. A black mist forms in the corner causing Marianne to let out a small screech Garnet and Amethyst look truly afraid. The mist forms a series of faces howling in agony. Garnet tries punching the mist to no effect. Meanwhile Steven and Peridot wake up.

Steven: (wind blowing his hair) What's happening?

Peridot: That is no corrupted Gem. I don't know what that is.

Marianne: Oh my god it really is a ghost.

Amethyst: (smiles and pulls out cell phone) No problem I know exactly what to do. Hello Elder Bearclaw I need you to burn some sweet grass in purification ritual. Yep ghosts again.

Marianne: You have a shaman on speed dial?

Amethyst: Hey our work makes us meet interesting people.

Later in the morning Bearclaw meets up with the gems in their house.

Bearclaw: Well I did a little research on the carwash and I can tell you the news is not good. Not only was it the site of an ancient Indian burial ground but the apartment was where a serial killer known as the Beach City Butcher killed and dismembered his victims. This won't be fixed with a simple smudging ritual. In fact, it would take a lot of sweet grass.

Garnet: How much?

Bearclaw: Oh about a ton and even then it may not work. Honestly I have never seen a site this haunted. Greg is right to live in the van.

Off in the background Peridot gets ready for work.

Marianne: Wait I haven't packed you a lunch when will you be back?

Peridot: Mrs. Richler I don't need to eat and I will be working at Funland until late at night as I don't need to sleep.

Marianne: Still a girl your age should have some time to play.

Lapis: Peridot isn't really an adopted daughter. She's a prisoner of war that's only kept alive by the fact that the gems have use for her.

Marianne frowns

Later Steven and Lapis leave the house for a day at the beach.

Marianne: Remember to be back in time for dinner.

Marianne: (To the camera) Now that the kids are off playing I have some time to myself. I first stop off at the library.

Marianne is browsing the books on child welfare laws and a copy of the Geneva convention in regards to prisoners of war. Taking a load of books, she leaves.

Marianne: (To the camera) I made a few preparations for my time in the roost and then the rest of the weekend is very quiet.

It is late at night Peridot slumps on in and collapses on the sofa. Amethyst walks in to get a snack and shakes Peridot awake.

Amethyst: Yo! you sleep in the bathroom nerd.

Week 2

 _Pearl_

Pearl blares an airhorn waking up the entire household. The entire family rushes down in their pajamas.

Pearl: Wakey, wakey time for your fitness routine. First, we're going to do a couple of laps round the block and then we're going to learn some martial arts. Won't that be boodles of fun.

Becca: No!

Pearl: If you do this you'll be able to have breakfast and dessert. I'm including you Bobby.

Suzy: Yay breakfast!

The girl starts running in her PJ's. Jeff grumbles and goes back to bed.

Jeff: (To the camera) I don't believe this Pearl won't make me breakfast. Isn't that what a wife is supposed to do.

Pearl: (in the background) It's called Momswapped not Wifeswapped.

It is dinnertime. Pearl urges the children to sit down in their normal clothes. There are no candles, no table cloth and no fancy silverware. The kids gasp in surprise as Pearl has made a lovely dinner of tuna casserole, potatoes and a salad.

Jeff: Now you prepare a normal meal?

Pearl: Yes, those pies were my fanciest recipes. It didn't seem right serving tuna casserole in formal wear.

Pearl pulls out a cake with a big smile on her face.

Pearl: After you finish your dessert how about I help you with your science homework Suzy?

Suzy: Dad says all girls need to do is look pretty and please a man to survive.

Pearl: Yes, you can survive that way but is it living? With a proper education you can do whatever you want get a nice job and not be dependent on someone. Rather you can marry for love and not necessity.

Jeff: I did not agree to this so that you could fill my girls' heads with stupid ideas. I believe in traditional gender roles the woman is servant to the man. To teach girls life skills would make them independent and I don't want that.

Pearl: What does your wife want?

Jeff: It doesn't matter I'm the boss.

Pearl: Not anymore.

Later in the night Jeff is sleeping on the couch.

Jeff: What pains me is that Pearl doesn't even need to sleep.

 _Marianne_

Marianne: (To the camera) Seeing Peridot and Steven I am reminded of my own kids. Steven like my son Bobby has very few responsibilities he doesn't even go to school and the entire household revolves around him. Peridot what can I say about Peridot she's rude, obnoxious and thinks she's smarter than everyone else in the house. She's also frightened, tired and treated like a slave. Time to set the house rules.

It is morning and Marianne blows a whistle. The noise wakes up Peridot who sticks her head out. Marianne marches up and surprisingly opens Steven's room. She rustles the gems including Steven out.

Marianne: All right everybody it's my turn and there are going to be a few changes around here. For starters, Steven get dressed you're going to school with Lapis and Peridot. Amethyst I've arranged an appointment at the community center you're going to be taking an adult literacy program. Then after school Lapis you'll be working at Funland with Peridot. Time to know the value of work. Garnet I've got you a job in financing let's see if you can use your future vision to make money and finally Steven again I've given you a few chores. First off is to feed your cats.

Steven grumbles as pours a bowl of cat food for the kitten and then sets out a huge bowl of offal for Lion. The magic creature sniffs and then flips the bowl over.

Steven: I know it smells offal but it's all we've got.

Steven: (to the camera) school was weird usually when something's boring I could get up and leave but not here. I have sit down and listen. The principal took away my ukulele.

Entire class claps as Steven ukulele is snatched from him.

Steven: I never realized before how weird or annoying bursting into song is and everybody hates my ukulele. But I have something better.

Enter Steven with a guitar strapped to his back.

Steven: Now I'm cool again yay! I just have to grow my hair out.

Lapis:(to camera) After school was particularly embarrassing. Marianne got me work at Funland I had to wear this stupid uniform.

Lapis is leaning on the counter dressed up in a paper hat and a shirt. She pulls a lever and pours out a soda while Peridot looks on laughing.

Peridot: Well Lapis you are truly a jerk a soda jerk. Think you're too good for work think again.

Peridot continues laughing as she walks away. Lapis glares at her until Smiley barks an order at her.

Amethyst: (to the camera) Yeah I thought I would be humiliated but it wasn't that bad. Turns out there a lot of people who have problems reading.

Enter Mayor Dewey in dark sunglasses as he creeps into the community center. He sits next to Amethyst and looks cautiously around. Later Amethyst is sitting with Marianne at a desk reading aloud a book.

Later at the beach house it is dinner time. Peridot reluctantly comes in to sit at the table.

Marianne: Alright everybody while you were out I made a few changes. Steven, Peridot I'd like you to look at the cubby.

Steven and Peridot's eyes widen. In Steven's cubby is a bunk bed. Marianne also has some building supplies on hand.

Marianne: That's right I've placed up bunk beds in your room. This week you'll be sleeping with me but after the show is over you'll be sharing a room with Steven. I think you are a good influence on him it'll be up to you to decide who's on top and who's on the bottom.

Garnet: Beginners usually start out with the man on top.

Marianne, Steven and Peridot blush.

Marianne: Amethyst I realize you've lived for thousands of years but truly your room is a mess. I'd like you to follow me your room.

Amethyst's jaw drops. In the middle of her room is a small bulldozer. The purple gem slowly circles it as Marianne speaks.

Marianne: Now we can do this one of two ways. First off is that you drive the bulldozer and I set the traps. Second off is that I drive the bull dozer, the staff at Momswapped were kind enough to train me in operating heavy machinery.

Garnet creeps up from behind.

Garnet: You better do it. I don't trust Amethyst around heavy equipment.

As Mariane pushes the junk out of Amethyst's room. The purple gem sets out several traps of different sizes from a simple mousetrap to large mats of sticky paper. Amethyst shouts as she gets herself stuck.

Amethyst: (sobbing)Why, why do we even need sticky mats this size why?

Marianne: We need to catch that slinker thing.

Garnet: I don't need future vision to see that won't work.

Later that night. There is a crash from the temple followed by an inhuman howling. Peridot and Marianne bolt from their beds. Marianne is wearing a set of frilly pajamas while Peridot is in Steven's T-shirt and underwear. They race towards amethyst's room.

Marianne: Isn't that a little masculine?

Peridot: I guess it is but I have no sleepwear and you won't let me sleep nude.

They get to the source of the screaming waiting for them are Garnet, Amethyst and Lapis.

Garnet: I guess this did work.

The slinker is trapped on the sticky paper. As it struggles and screams it gets more and more tangled.

Marianne: Where's Steven.

Steven races in with his shield at the ready. He is wearing his banana pajamas. He is about to attack the slinker when Marianne waves him off. She then takes a broom and starts beating it as the other look on. Very soon the slinker poofs leaving a reddish gem behind. Garnet snatches the gem away from Marianne.

Marianne: (To the camera) After that Garnet makes some sort of bubble and takes it away. I would have loved to made it into some sort of jewelry. Like a trophy to show off to my husband. The next two days relatively quiet.

 _Pearl_

Pearl: (To the camera) Well things are going great. I have a lot less work to do than at home. When the family is asleep I do the housework and when they are at school I practice my fighting skills. Now however they caught me as I was practicing and the whole family is involved minus Jeff.

The children are outside in the back lawn. Each on is holding a spear as Pearl shows them how to handle their weapon. They mirror Pearl's movements as she leads them through spear fighting techniques. Then Pearls gets out a punching bag and instructs the children on how to stab the punching bag. She looks on disturbed as the girls end up viciously stabbing the punching bag over and over again.

Pearl: That was very effective. You girls learn very quickly.

Becca: We have a lot of pent up rage.

Suzy: Daddy says girls aren't supposed to get angry. If we do then- (She looks down and mumbles)

 _Marianne_

Marianne: (To the camera) After the slinker everything seemed to be back to normal. Nothing unusual for them happened. Until Garnet bolted.

The made up family are at the dinner table laughing and talking until Garnet stands up bolt upright. The laughing stops as they all look at Garnet.

Garnet: There's trouble I gotta go. Marianne you're in charge, everybody else stay here.

Garnet runs out of the house, through the beach and onto the street. She still keeps running as the camera fades to black. Back at the beach house the family stares at each other in stunned silence.

Peridot: Garnet won't be long after all she didn't take the car.

Amethyst: Yeah but she looked really scared I think she was panicking.

Steven: Shouldn't we go after her?

Amethyst: (laughing) Steven one thing I learned is that if it frightens Garnet you should stay well away.

Marianne: I'm calling my family to check in on them.

 _Pearl_

Pearl: (on the phone) Yes everything's fine. No nothing unusual has happened.

Pearl hangs up. The kitchen is a mess. Flour is everywhere, eggs strewn about and Bobby is looking proud as he puts a cake in the oven.

Meanwhile its getting dark and Garnet is still running down the street.

The next morning things at the Richler household start quietly. Everybody heads off to work or school leaving Pearl to wave goodbye. When they return martial arts lessons begins and then it's a casual dinner. The house has fallen into a quiet routine.

Later on as its getting dark the family are all together watching TV. Pearl laughs and points out the mistakes the show is making on sword fighting. Then they all stop as they hear a loud ominous knocking. Pearl reluctantly gets up and opens the door. On the other side a huge gem mutant screaming. Pearl slams the door in its face and locks it.

Pearl: Alright kids you know the drill.

Bobby: I'll go get the shotgun.

Becca pulls back the living room curtains revealing 2 or 3 cluster experiments staring through the window. The girl pulls the curtain shut. Both she and her sister pull out their spears. Jeff looks terrified as Bobby hands him the shotgun Jeff pushes it away takes the car keys and drives off from the garage.

Pearl: If I was married to that man I would divorce him right now. Alright somebody had me the cell phone.

Pearl speed dials her house. Meanwhile as Garnet is racing to the scene on foot Jeff's car passes her by.

 _Marianne_

We are at the Beach house when Amethyst answers the cell phone.

Amethyst: Pearl how are you doing? Your house is surrounded by gem mutants and Jeff has run off. Don't worry help is on the way. I'll tell Marianne. (hangs up) Guys we have to go to Marianne's house pronto.

The entire gem family races to the rescue. Peridot, Amethyst and a cameraman are in Peridot's pod, Lapis is flapping her water wings and Steven and Marianne are on the back of Lion.

Marianne: Steven do you think we can get there in time?

Steven: Don't worry Pearl is strong in the real way. She'll be able to hold them off.

 _Pearl_

The house is in shambles, the furniture is smashed, and the windows are broken. Gem mutants are pouring in from the windows and doors. Pearl and the children are back to back fighting off the monsters in the living room. The children are effectively fending off the gem mutants with Pearl's spears. Pearl herself is using the shotgun to blow away the gem mutants.

Pearl: Hmm this is much easier than using my spear. No wonder why Peridot thinks sword fighting is lame.

Meanwhile the strange convoy has passed Garnet on its way to the house. The house is surrounded by dozens of mutants trying to swarm the house. Steven and Marianne are the first to reach the house without a second thought Marianne runs straight into the house with Steven after her. Then comes Peridot's pod Amethyst pulls out her whip and attacks the mutants on the outside of the house. Peridot stays in the pod and starts blasting away with the pod's lasers. Lapis is the last to arrive, looking bored she forms a huge tidal wave from the sewers and washes the mutants away. Everyone except Peridot is swept away in a surge of filthy water. After the wave clears the mutants are all poofed and everybody else is outside spluttering.

Lapis: (To the camera) This a reminder to all you people out there. Stay one my good side or else.

 _The Families Meet up one last time_

The families are sitting at a huge table. Marianne and her kids on one side Jeff is conspicuously absent while on the other side is the entire Gem family.

Marianne: Well thank you all for saving my family. I've learned a lot being in your house such as how to stand on my own two feet and properly take care of my family.

Steven: It seems to me like you already knew how to care of your family you just didn't have the confidence.

Marianne: That's sweet of you to say Steven but I'm not finished yet. Garnet while your family is clearly unique and capable I discovered many disturbing things. The way you treat Peridot is close to abuse if not actual abuse and in a way Steven and Amethyst are neglected. You work the poor girl.

Garnet: She's not a girl.

Marianne: But she is a child and you work her nonstop. You turn a blind eye when Peridot is bullied and in no way do you provide for her needs. She doesn't even have shoes. I found out Amethyst can't read so I decided to fix that. Steven has no responsibilities; he knows so little of the world around him it's actually criminal. (pushes a book) Here read this it's a section of the Geneva convention on the treatment of prisoners. Pearl in many ways you and I are alike.

Pearl: I don't think so.

Marianne: Yes we are. We're both overworked, we take far too many responsibilities and we've been following orders from someone we don't need. So assign your family some chores, send Steven to school and take some time for yourself.

Pearl: Well I must say your family is by far not perfect. Your husband what can I say. He makes all the rules and the entire household revolves around him. And when he ran away that just took the cake. Did you know that he tried to get me to sleep with him? Your 'traditional' lifestyle is harmful. The beauty contests, skipping breakfast and starving the girls. You just have to look pretty the only way to survive is to please a man. Gah it's toxic. What were you thinking?

Marianne: I thought that Jeff would take care of us all. Obviously I was wrong. (Hugs her children) So from now on we all will learn to stand on our own two feet and not be dependent on anybody. We're going to make our own rules, without my husband.

It is now 2 months since the mothers have returned to their families. Let's see how they have all changed.

Marianne: Well the swap proved to be a real eye opener for me. I never realized how capable I was until then. I definitely don't need someone to take care of me. After Becca won the talent phase of the beauty contest she enrolled in a nearby martial arts group. Suzy is still into art but she now has joined a science club. Bobby is taking a cooking class. He wants to be a world famous chef and travel the world and I made the biggest change in my life. I divorced Jeff and am now working as a beautician. Hey it may be a traditional girly job but at least I am standing on my own two feet.

Pearl: After what Marianne told me I decided to make a few changes. First off Steven is going to school now and has more responsibilities around the house. He's growing up so fast.

(Enter a 5-foot-tall Steven looking confident and proud)

Amethyst is now taking literacy courses at the adult learning center and now has a job at McDonald's. She is so proud of herself.

Amethyst: Thanks to the literacy courses I'm taking I've now opened a gossip blog. My readership is now bigger than Ronaldo' Keep Beach City Weird blog.

Pearl: Lapis moved out into the sea spire and the biggest change is with Peridot. We're treating her much better oh she still works, takes self-defense classes and goes to school but she now has her own room and she has time to play like the gemling she is.

(Steven is pushing Peridot on a tire swig. The gem is laughing having a wonderful time.)

Broadcaster: That's it for our trip down memory lane. Next up in the present the new Universes and the Johnson's.

An African American father and his 2 kids watch as an alien space pod flies right up into their driveway. Their jaws drop as they see a green skinned woman step out of the pod.

Peridot: Okay who's ready to have some fun?


	4. 14 and Pregnant

14 and Pregnant

Camera pans to a small beach house in front of a large temple. The camera focuses on two children playing on the beach. One is Connie and the other is Steven who is fatter than usual.

Greg: (looking very sad) Well when I left my son in the Crystal Gem's care I never expected my son to become pregnant. I mean they are supposed to watch over him and protect him. I mean this never should have happened.

Camera goes to Lars at the Big Donut. Lars is a good friend of Steven Universe.

Lars: Well I guess I was the first to find out. Steven would often come in to buy something to eat. But lately his food choices have been odd.

Steven is at the big donut buys a jar of pickles and an ice cream bar. Then he places a pickle on the ice cream and eats it.

Lar: (Laughing) Whoa Steven if I didn't know any better. I'd say you were pregnant.

Steven: Are you saying I'm fat? (Runs away sobbing)

Sadie gives Lars a dirty look.

Sadie: You are such a jerk.

Lars: What? You aren't freaked out by what he's eating.

Later at the beach house we see Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst sitting on the couch.

Pearl: Steven had been acting odd lately. I mean having strange food cravings lately he's been moody.

Amethyst is sitting on the couch eating a huge pile of food. Steven is in the kitchen looking for something to eat. He comes out and stands in front of Amethyst.

Steven: You disgusting pig. You don't even need to eat and yet you've cleaned out the kitchen.

Amethyst: Hey what can I say I like eating.

Steven: That food is meant for me to eat not you. Pearl went shopping yesterday and now it's all gone. I'm going to the big donut.

Garnet: We knew something was wrong after the incident.

In the beach house Pearl and Amethyst are fighting with their weapons. They are destroying the beach house. Peridot tries running to safety while a stray bolt hits and poofs her. Garnet unperturbed is just drinking her coffee.

Steven: (Holding Peridot's gem) Garnet they're destroying the house. You're the leader stop them.

Garnet: Steven Pearl and Amethyst have a lot of issues to work out. Just let them fight it out. Next week they'll be buddies again.

Steven: Is that your idea of leadership? That sucks Pearl and Amethyst are fighting constantly. Now Peridot is hurt and you're doing nothing. A real leader would step in. A real leader would try to fix things.

Garnet stands up and towers over Steven.

The gems are in the hospital waiting room. Pearl and Amethyst aren't fighting and instead are glaring at Garnet. The fusion looks unconcerned as she reads a magazine. A very shaken Dr. Maheswaran comes out.

Dr. Maheswaran: Well after you told me Steven suffered a psychotic episode, I did a complete check-up. That was when I discovered something completely disturbing besides the concussion Steven is suffering from I discovered that he is pregnant. I know I didn't believe it at first but I have the X rays and ultrasound right here.

Garnet: How far along is he?

Maheswaran: He's about 4 months along.

Pearl: Wha? How did this happen?

Maheswaran: I was hoping you could tell me that yourselves. Look this is too bizarre I suggest you keep this under wraps.

Garnet: I have some idea Steven and Connie fuse once in a while.

Maheswaran: You mean they have sex

Garnet: No it is more intimate than that. It is not mere rutting but a meeting of body and soul. The fusion is an embodiment of their love for each other. They share everything, their thoughts, their feelings and even memories if they want to. While fused they become one single perfect being when they separate they are no longer quite the same.

Maheswaran: It may not have been sex but it sounds like they were far too young to engage in such an intimate act.

Back at the Beach house Peridot has finally emerged from her gem. The beach house is in shambles from the recent fight. Peridot is looking around disorientated as the door opens. Steven and the rest of the gems enter.

Peridot: There you are where were you? I emerged and found this place trashed. What were you doing?

Garnet: We had to drop Steven off at the hospital.

Amethyst: Yeah it was funny. We discovered that Connie had knocked up Steven.

Peridot narrows her eyes. As the gems sit around and laugh like nothing has happened Peridot marches out in a huff.

This time at the Maheswarans the family is setting down to dinner when they hear a knock at the door. Connie opens the door only to have Peridot jump on her. As the little gem tries to bite Connie's ears off the girl does her best to fend off Peridot.

Connie: Why are you acting like this?

Peridot: You know full well what you did you hurt Steven.

Connie: No I didn't he's my boyfriend and I love him.

Peridot: I heard straight from Amethyst.

As Connie's parents try to take the two children apart Pearl comes in a pulls Peridot away from Connie.

Pearl: Peridot stop this.

Peridot: No I won't that girl knocked Steven out.

Pearl: No Amethyst said Connie knocked up Steven. That means she made him pregnant.

Connie:(paling a little) Wait Steven's pregnant how did that happen?

Garnet:(popping in from nowhere) We think it the result of you fusing with Steven.

Stars appear in Connie's eyes

Connie: I'm going to be a mother?

The two families are sitting at the Maheswaran's kitchen table. On one side is Connie and her parents hovering around protectively. On the other side Steven and the Crystal gems Peridot is off in the corner.

Doug Maheswaran: Wait explain how my daughter could possibly get Steven pregnant.

Garnet: When a gem fuses they meld into one being sharing everything. Sometimes when they separate again a part of the gem is left behind. A perfect example is after Steven fused with Peridot he became smarter and calmer. In Connie's case we believe she left behind an egg that implanted in Steven's body.

Connie:(Glares at Steven) You fused with Peridot?

Peridot: It was a life or death situation Connie we were trying to save the world. Garnet from what I know the egg must be fertilized before it implants into someone's body.

Connie: Steven must have fertilized the egg internally. No way Steven and I have had sex. Nope I didn't have sex.

Peridot looks at Connie not quite believing her.

Pearl: Peridot Steven and Connie are very close. They've grown up together, trained together. Honestly you've only known Steven a few months.

Peridot: I thought that travelling to hell and back would have made us close.

Peridot walks away with tears in her eyes.

Steven:(To the camera) At first Connie was thrilled. She seemed to be very supportive.

In a store Connie is showing Steven some onesies. Then at the beach house Connie kisses and makes out with Steven making a point for Peridot to see. As Connie puts her hand on Steven's chest Steven yelps in pain. Connie backs off.

Steven: But then as my pregnancy advanced Connie started to lose interest.

Steven is lying on his bed looking tired. Peridot is beside him with some wet towels and ginger tea. The beach house door bursts open.

Connie: Hey Steven there's this new Dopcopter movie coming out. Do ya want to see it tonight?

Steven: Connie I can't. I've had this really bad day.

Connie: Well this movie should cheer you up.

Steven: I said no Connie. Not tonight I have a headache. I just want to lie in bed and sleep if I can.

Connie leaves in a huff.

Steven:(To the camera) Then I started to show. The gems had to buy me some maternity clothes.

At the clothes store the gems show Steven some cute maternity clothes.

Pearl: Look at these pants you'll have so much more room in them Steven. And these T-shirts they are a bit frilly but they can accommodate your growing belly.

Steven: (Holding up a dress) How about this?

Amethyst: Isn't that a little feminine for you?

Steven: I'm having a baby. That is about as feminine as you can get. Besides, I keep needing to pee all the time. This would be easier than pulling up and down pants all the time.

Pearl: I have to agree with you there.

Later an embarrassed looking Connie and Steven are walking down the boardwalk. Steven is wearing a maternity dress. The crowd starts to stare as a dark wet spot blossoms on Steven's chest. Connie clearly shaken pulls Steven away.

Connie: Oh look at the time. I have to go study group. Bye.

Steven: You know pregnancy has been hard but my family is so supportive. Tomorrow the gems are throwing a big party for me. All my friends will be there. Connie hasn't been around lately. She's been studying but school's almost over and we'll spend more time with each other. It's gonna be great.

On the beach the baby shower was begun. No expense has been spared, there is a huge spread of food, music and dancing. They have set Steven up in a lawn chair decorated with pink and yellow balloons. The gems and almost all his friends are there. Steven smiles and graciously accepts his gifts. However one important guest has not yet appeared.

Ronaldo enters holding a large teddy bear.

Ronaldo: So I thought Connie would be here.

Steven(Sobbing) I thought she would be here too. After all she is the mother of my baby.

Amethyst: (patting his back) there, there I'm sure she just got caught in traffic or something.

Steven: Her house is within walking distance

Amethyst: (Running away) Pearl I'm no good at this.

Pearl grumbles and pulls out a cell phone.

Pearl: Mrs. Maheswaran I was wondering where's Connie? After all it is Steven's baby shower.

Mrs. Maheswaran: Connie is moving with us out of Beach City. She's a good girl. Connie has a bright future ahead of her. She does not deserve to be dragged down by some boy who got himself pregnant. After all, can you prove that the baby's hers? We're changing our number don't call here again. (hangs up)

Pearl: I'm sorry Steven it looks like Connie won't be able to make it your baby shower. Steven?

Steven has collapsed out of his chair. The gems all rush forward to his aid.

At the hospital the gems wait anxiously in the emergency room. Dr. West a kindly elderly man comes out.

Dr. West: Steven's stabilized and resting for now but he's in a bad way.

Garnet: Tell us the truth doctor

West: It's a miracle that Steven's held onto the baby for so long but he's suffering under the strain of supporting this life. Males just aren't equipped to carry a baby.

Amethyst: Can't you cut the baby out of him?

West: Look right now the baby is 6 months along. It's too early to perform a C section. I've tried talking sense to him but Steven wants this baby. I was hoping you could convince him to abort.

Pearl: Steven would never forgive us if we made him get an abortion. I don't know what to do.

Garnet: How long does he have right now?

West: About a week before the strain is too much.

Peridot looks shifty eyed and smiles evilly. The next day Peridot is sitting beside Steven's bed. Steven is clutching his belly sadly.

Peridot: How are you feeling?

Steven: Terrible I thought that with all that happened Connie would be here. But she's still away. I mean we fused and now I'm having her baby doesn't that mean anything to her?

Peridot: Look I think Connie's crazy for leaving you like that.

Steven: Her parents moved out of town

Peridot: Well it's sad that this baby will grow up without a mother. Steven I have always loved you. Let me help you raise this child.

Steven: Y-you really mean it.

Peridot: Yes, can you walk?

Steven nods

Peridot:(very smoothly) Well then can I have this dance?

The pair dance a slow dance in the hospital room. Their gems glow and a single being is formed. It is a large effeminate looking man with brown skin and a goatee. He looks shocked.

Stevidot: Oh my Stars

Stevidot glows and then with a pop the pair separate. Steven stands up he is no longer pregnant.

Steven: Where's the baby?

Peridot stands up. Her belly is huge. She raises her arms into the air.

Peridot: Success now I'm the one who's pregnant. Coddle me, coddle me.

The gems come in and hug Steven. They ignore Peridot completely

Peridot: Wait what about me? I'm having the baby now.

Garnet: Welcome to the Crystal Gems. Steven is the one that matters.

Peridot: (to the camera) I thought that by carrying Steven's baby everyone would be treating me better. But despite the fact that I saved the Earth and just saved Steven's life I'm still treated like dirt. What do I have to do to get them to forgive me?

Garnet's voice from the background: Die.

Meanwhile at the beach house Peridot is trying to reach a jar of pickles but her big belly is getting in the way. Amethyst comes near and takes the jar. The purple gem walks away eating the pickles.

Later a sickly Peridot is sitting watching the TV Garnet walks over.

Garnet: Get up we need your help repairing the warp pads.

Peridot gets up and runs away sobbing.

Garnet:(making a face) Steven, Peridot's moody again.

An hour later Steven comes back with Peridot. From the looks of it she's been crying. Steven looks at Garnet.

Steven: Family meeting now.

They whole family including Greg is now seated round the kitchen table. Steven is sitting beside Peridot with his arm around her.

Steven: Guys, since Peridot has become pregnant you've been horrible to her.

Garnet: Steven she's now a Crystal Gem. Peridot has to contribute and not sit around watching TV all day.

Greg: Steven Peridot getting pregnant is not your fault nor it is your responsibility. Look the baby's not yours, you didn't have sex with her. Peridot who is the baby's father? He should be taking care of you.

Peridot beats her head over and over again on the table.

Steven: Dad Peridot fused and took the baby from me. She saved my life. I was the one pregnant remember?

Greg: Steven don't be silly. A boy can't be pregnant.

Steven starts to beat his head over and over again on the table right beside Peridot.

In the back ground Garnet gently leads a babbling Greg back home. Steven hugs Peridot looking sad.

Steven: I don't get it. It's like the last 3 months never happened. Doesn't Dad remember me being pregnant?

Pearl: It's not that Greg doesn't remember you being pregnant it's just that he doesn't want to.

Amethyst: Yeah you being pregnant really freaked him out.

Pearl: Humans tend to deny unpleasant realities. They'll tend not to believe what's in their faces and continue to believe in the old world view despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Steven: Still that doesn't change the one thing that's important. Look since taking my baby Peridot's feeling neglected and unloved. She needs to feel special.

Pearl: Well there are 20 million of her milling about in Homeworld.

Peridot: But none of them are pregnant. Look I am tired, my feet hurt and I feel nauseous. I am also hungry all the time but when I eat it all goes up again. And you guys keep working me like business as usual.

Amethyst: Peridot carrying around a baby is not work.

Peridot: Yes, it is that's why it's called labor. And another thing I need help preparing for the baby.

Garnet: Don't look at us we have no idea how to take care of a child.

Steven: Fine guys I see your point but now it all changes. We're going to throw a baby shower for Peridot.

Peridot:(to the camera) Oh I'm so excited I remember Steven's baby shower quite well. The entire town showed up, there was music and dancing and I'll be queen for the day.

Later during the baby shower Peridot looks irately to the camera.

Peridot: (To the camera) Well Steven tried I give him that. As I sit here I can see he got no help from the gems whatsoever. There is a big spread of food but nothing like his party. I guess he really can't cook that well. He must have given invitations to the entire town. Only a handful of people showed up and most of them didn't know what a baby shower is.

Peridot sits slumped on a lawn chair decorated with balloons. In front of her feet children of various ages play while Onion stands beside Peridot and pours water over her with a watering can. Steven smiles and puts on a brave face.

Steven: Alright let's give Peridot her presents and then we'll have cake.

The children all cheer.

Ronaldo enters with a large stuffed giraffe. He has a hopeful look on his face.

Ronaldo: Is Connie around here?

Steven: Ronaldo, Connie and her family moved out of Beach City.

Ronaldo runs away sobbing.

Peridot:(To the camera) This pregnancy thing is scaring me. I thought it would be easy since I am a female but it's not. I have mood swings.

Peridot is in the temple. Around her are various tools and some equipment in front of her. She is sobbing uncontrollably on the ground. Amethyst walks over.

Amethyst: Will you stop your crying already geez it's been 14 years already. (stops and sees that it's Peridot crying) Oh sorry Peri I thought you were someone else.

Peridot:(To the camera) I'm tired all the time.

The Crystal Gems are somewhere fighting a huge fusion mutant. They are getting their butts kicked. In desperation Garnet calls out to Peridot.

Garnet: Peridot fire the disruptor cannon now.

Peridot is sitting behind a huge cannon type weapon. She is fast asleep as she snores gently.

Peridot:(To the camera) And I have these strange food cravings.

It is late at night when Peridot marches into the Big Donut. The staff are closing up but stop when they see Peridot.

Peridot: You there I require vast quantities of beef and ice cream.

Dr. West:(To the camera) I'm very concerned about the baby's well-being. Steven and Peridot are trying their best but they are alone at this. The gems are giving no support. To top it all off it becomes increasingly obvious the Peridot has no idea what a baby is let alone how to take care of one.

At the hardware store Peridot is waddling around in a large T shirt. She inspects the power tools until she sees a drill that she likes. She waves over an attendant.

Peridot:(holding the drill up) Once the baby's born I want it to help me out with maintenance. Do you have this in a child's size?

Later at the beach house the gems are milling around. Steven is massaging Peridot's feet when the gems hear a knock at the door. On the other side is Dr. West and an unfamiliar woman.

Dr. West: Hello there, this is Connie McDougal a social worker. She's here to inspect the house and see what you have done to prepare for the baby.

Peridot grumbles as she gets up. She opens the bathroom door and motions for McDougal and West to follow. Inside is a small crib some toys and power tools nearby.

Peridot: The baby will be sleeping in my room so I have set up the crib and toys here.

McDougal: Wait you sleep in the bathroom? That's no place for a baby let alone a child like you. Isn't the baby's Steven's anyway?

Peridot: Garnet says Steven needs to get his sleep if he is to develop properly.

West: Well he's pretty well developed if he got you pregnant.

West marches out of the bathroom into the main room. He looks very angry and the gems gather round him.

West: Right I am very disturbed by what I am seeing now. For starters it is obvious that you haven't been doing a serious job of preparing for the baby let alone taking care of Peridot. I mean really a girl sleeping in the bathroom?

Peridot: It is the only room with a lock.

McDougal: You are going to have to make some serious changes or we will not only take the baby away but also Steven and Peridot.

Garnet: What do you suggest? We really are new to this.

McDougal: Don't play stupid Garnet I was here when Steven moved in. You know exactly how to take care of a child.

McDougal picks up the crib and carries it to Steven's cubby. Then she returns and places Peridot's possessions up there as well.

Pearl: Wait are you telling me you want Peridot to sleep with Steven?

West: Well he got her pregnant didn't he? Now Steven, Peridot I want you to report every week to natal care classes at Ocean town, where you will learn the basics of childcare.

Garnet: That's about a half an hour drive away. I'm not going there.

McDougal: You will take them! Raising a child is about sacrifices and inconveniences. I will be coming over next week and if I don't see some serious improvements both Steven and Peridot will be heading to a foster home and you will never see them again. Is that clear?

The gems mutter ashamedly. Later that night a smiling Peridot is cuddling Steven in their bed. The smile fades and her eyes open.

Peridot: Oh my Stars I have to go again. I might as well sleep in the bathroom since I spend so much time there.

Peridot: (To the camera) Things are much better now. Steven is so supportive. I admit natal classes were confusing and scary at first.

Peridot: (In the classroom) Wait so the baby won't be able to use a soldering iron? Oh man that sucks what else can't it do?

Nurse: Well they can't lift their heads either. Human babies are born helpless and their parents must do everything for them.

Peridot: And you haven't bred that out? What is wrong with you?

Peridot (to the camera) The gems have gotten me new clothes and are treating me much better.

Steven and Peridot are walking on the boardwalk. Peridot is wearing Steven's old maternity dress. They stop off at Fish Stew Pizza's. Peridot looks happy as she munches on a piece of pizza topped with fish. Then later at home Steven is massaging Peridot's feet.

Peridot: Oh yeah I can get used to this. (winces in pain) Yep that is definitely a contraction. Steven I think the baby's coming.

Steven: Hang on I'll call my Dad, no er Garnet. I'll call an ambulance.

In the operating room Peridot is sweating and pushing. Steven is beside her holding her hand he looks very concerned.

Steven: You know you didn't have to do this.

Peridot: Steven you want this baby. I'm doing this for you. Where are the others anyways?

Steven: They're uh on a mission.

On the boardwalk Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst are enjoying their own ice cream cones.

Amethyst: Mmm love that campfire ice cream.

Back at the hospital Peridot is almost ready to give birth. She is straining and screaming as the doctor looks down at her birth canal.

Peridot: (Grabbing Steven by the shirt) Where Connie? It's all her fault. Tell me where she is so I can kill her.

Doctor: Ma'am I can tell with quite some certainty that a girl did not make you pregnant

Peridot: So what do you know about Gem biology? Oh Goddess Steven it's coming.

Peridot strains, pushing with all her might. Steven is behind her holding both her hands. With one loud scream, Peridot gives one last push and the baby comes out.

Doctor:(hands over the baby to Peridot) Congratulations you have a baby girl.

Steven and Peridot look down at the baby smiling. Their smile fades as they look at the child. The little girl is brown skinned and has blonde curly hair. She looks like Ronaldo.

Peridot: What I've been carrying this baby for three months and it isn't even yours? I'm not taking care of that.

Steven: Connie was cheating on me. Well as soon as we're out of the hospital we're going to set things right.

Inside Ronaldo's lighthouse Ronaldo is playing on the computer. On the walls are pictures of warrior women. His head turns as he hears a knock on the door. When Ronaldo opens it he sees a very angry Steven and Peridot.

Peridot: (shoves the baby into Ronaldo's arms) I believe this is yours.

Next: On I Didn't Know I was Pregnant. Garnet is the strong confident leader of the Crystal Gems but on a routine mission it all goes wrong.

Garnet is fighting various nightmares. She groans in pain and doubles over.

Garnet: My water broke. I think I'm in labor.

The monsters look at one another and then run away as fast as they could.


	5. The Week the Women Went

The Week the Women Went

Narrator: Take one tourist town in Delaware take out all the women and leave the men to manage without them. This is the Week the Women Left.

Beach City is a small tourist town located in Delaware. Due to its official designation as a dry town it is favored among alcoholics as a place to dry out. It is also site to a beautiful temple built by an unknown civilization. Many unusual happenings occur in this area but people enjoy the quiet atmosphere and have fun. During the summers Beach City is quite busy but for the rest of the year it is a quiet place. Now in September the tourists are away and the folks of Beach City are getting restless. So while the women leave for the Relaxo Hot Springs in nearby Summit Town the men will have to fend for themselves.

The townsfolk of Beach City are a colorful cast. We have the mayor and his family.

(Mayor Dewey with his wife and Buck wave in front of their white house.)

Julia is a thin pale skinned woman who looks remarkably like Pearl.

Julia: It may not look like it but I do a lot of behind the scenes work in my husband's office. I act as secretary, cook for events and help raise Buck. I'm confident my boy can take care of himself. My husband not so much.

Dewey: I'm right here.

Julia: That's right and not lurking around the Crystal Home wreaker's house. At least they'll be away with me so I don't have to worry about you trying any funny business.

Dewey: It's just that Steven needs a fatherly influence and all. A responsible role model if you will.

The Yellow tails.

Narrator: Vidialia Yellowtail is a stay at home mom and artist with two kids 5-year-old Onion and 17- year-old Sour Cream. Her husband Ambrose Yellowtail is a full time fisherman who is rarely at home.

Yellowtail:(Says something incomprehensible)

Sour Cream: This will a chance for me to learn some responsibility? Dad er Step Dad I have school. Who's going to take care of Onion while I'm at classes?

Vidalia: Don't worry Yellowtail will take a break from fishing won't you?

Narrator: The Pizzas father Koffi, his mother Nanefua and twin daughters Kikki and Jenny run the Fish Stew Pizzeria.

Koffi: Mother has been working really hard lately. This vacation should do her wonders. I expect to make quite the profit with Jenny and Kikki helping me.

Jenny: Actually Dad we're going to the hot springs too.

Koffi makes a face.

Narrator: And finally we have the Crystal Gems. Alien beings who are the self-appointed guardians of the Earth. When they are not fighting Earth's threats they are raising Steven Universe a human/gem hybrid and Peridot a full blooded gem.

 _Inside the beach house the gems are packing their suitcases with weapons. Peridot comes in with an armful of equipment smiling._

Peridot: Oh boy, an actual vacation. I can't wait to go to the hot springs

Garnet: You're not going.

Peridot:(looking hurt) What? Why not? Am I not designated female in this town should I not go?

Lapis: You're not a real Crystal Gem and though you may be designated female you are not an adult. You are just a weak little girl so you stay behind.

Peridot: I've done more work than you.

Pearl: But you are not an adult. You will stay behind.

Peridot: So you you're leaving us alone with no adult supervision that's never mind. (Peridot smiles)

Garnet: (smiles) That's right you'll have the entire house to yourselves. It'll be fun.

Steven: I'll show you how to have some real fun Peri.

Peridot giggles.

 _Later the women all gather at the town square waiting for their bus. Just before they go the women say goodbye and all give one last bit of advice to their men._

 _At Mayor Dewey's Julia is saying goodbye. She is very affectionate to her son, her husband not so much._

Julia: You be a good boy Buck. I'm counting on you to keep the town in order.

Mayor Dewey: That's my job honey.

Julia: Yes, I'm well aware of that. Normally I'd be worried about leaving you alone but since all the women are going to the hot spring including your Crystal crush. I don't have to worry about you cheating on me.

 _Meanwhile the Pizzas are having their own farewells._

Nanefua: Now Koffi, I'll be away for an entire week with the girls so I want you to be careful.

Koffi:(sighs) Yes mother. I'll be careful.

Nanefua: Make sure you throw away all the expired food and make sure the pilot light is always on in the pizza oven.

Koffi: I know what to do mother. I've been running this pizzeria for ten years.

Nanefua: No I've been running it. You've been helping, son. You may want to cancel delivery service and never leave a lit stove unattended. And for God's sake make sure the oven is off when you finally go to bed.

Koffi: Mother! I'll be fine what are you afraid of that I'll set the house on fire?

Nanefua: That is exactly what I'm afraid of.

 _Meanwhile as the men say their goodbyes. The Frymans just stand there in a corner._

Ronaldo: Well our life is in no way changed.

Mr. Fryman: Yes, it has. I want you and Peedee to chop potatoes double time. These boys don't know how to cook and dinner is coming.

 _The two children grumble as they walk away._

 _At the Yellowtail residence, Sour Cream is stepping up, while Yellow is nowhere to be seen. Sour Cream places some hot pockets in front of Onion. When dinner is done Sour Cream puts his brother to bed. As it gets dark Sour Cream takes the time to nail the windows shut. Exhausted he falls asleep on the couch. Later Onion's eyes snap open he creeps past his sleeping brother and leaves through the front door._

 _Meanwhile at the Maheswaran residence. Doug is thinking about dinner. Connie has a crazy smile on her face_.

Connie: Hey Dad Steven just invited me over to a sleepover. Can I come over?

Doug: Connie no, all the Crystal Gems are away. You're getting too old for sleepovers with Steven and besides there is no adult supervision.

Connie: Actually Dad, they did leave one Crystal Gem with Steven.

Doug: A gem in which I never met. How convenient.

Connie: I'm telling the truth her name is Peridot. The gems left her in charge and she's like thousands of years old. That's about as adult as you get.

Doug:(Thinks for a bit) Well I am doing patrol tonight it would be good for an adult to watch over you. Very well you can go.

 _Connie squeals and rushes to her room. As she packs her overnight bag she packs some sexy under wear. As she rushes down the stairs she gives her Dad a peck on the cheek and runs towards the beach house._

 _Meanwhile Steven and Peridot are in front of a roaring fire. There is a bottle of bubbly on ice nearby. Steven tries to look as romantic as possible as he pours two glasses of bubbly._

Steven:(Suavely) Now my lady might I offer you Beach City's finest sparkling apple juice?

Peridot: What's an apple?

Steven: It's a kind of fruit. Well I couldn't get champagne so I got the next best thing. And might I add some videos to entertain us for the evening?

Peridot: The Beginners Guide to-

Steven:(quickly kisses her) Yes. Shall we begin your education?

 _Peridot giggles as Steven kisses her over and over again. As he pushes her onto the ground the door suddenly bangs open._

Connie: Hi Steven I see you were thinking exactly the same way I was.

 _Connie barges in and makes a point of shoving Peridot out of the way. Steven looks extremely uncomfortable as Connie takes a swig of Peridot's drink._

Steven: Connie I really wasn't prepared for you. We haven't made any dinner.

Connie:(pulls out her cellphone) That's okay we'll order some Chinese in Ocean Town. Now let's see we'll have some fried rice, and you like the egg rolls Steven.

Steven: Aren't you going to ask what Peridot wants?

Connie: Peridot doesn't like eating.

Peridot: Hey I'm right here.

Connie: Yes and you better get going. I'll ordering the Peeking Duck it's very delicious but Peridot it's very important that you watch the duck being cooked.

Peridot: You just want me out of the way. Don't you?

Connie: You are a smart gem. Now go before I beat you up.

Peridot leaves with tears in her eyes. Outside she activates her escape pod.

On the other side of town Doug is preparing for the night.

Doug:(To the camera) I'm was planning on ordering some Chinese for dinner tonight. It would make a great treat. So just before I go on patrol I will stop at Mr. Ping's in Ocean Town. I'll fill a thermos with hot and sour soup and have some Kung Pow Chicken.

 _Doug smiles to himself as he drives into Ocean Town just ahead of him is Peridot's escape pod. Connie's father does a double take as the pod enters Mr. Ping's parking lot. As he enters the restaurant he sees Peridot just ahead of him._

Doug: Hey you're one of those Crystal Gems aren't you? I've never seen you before.

Peridot: That's right my name's Peridot.

Doug: But you're just a child. Connie said you were thousands of years old.

Peridot: Connie says a lot of things. She's making me get Chinese food so she can spend some time alone with Steven.

Doug: That little – she lied to me again. Well this time she has gone too far. Peridot come with me I'm going to put a stop to this once and for all.

Peridot: Wait what is your relationship to Connie anyways?

Doug: I'm her father and it's time I started acting like it.

Doug marches straight to his car and drives off Peridot follows in her pod.

 _Meanwhile at the Universe house. Steven is looking very uncomfortable as Connie slinks in what is her idea of sexy sleepwear or as best as a 13-year-old could come up with. Connie hugs Steven._

Steven: Connie could you put your clothes back on you're making me very uncomfortable.

Connie: But this is what you're supposed to wear at a sleepover Steven. I can see you already prepared for me so sweet and look at this a videotape just the thing to make us _romantic._

Steven:(Snatches the tape away) Connie that wasn't for you. Look what you're doing isn't appropriate

Connie:(Tries to kiss a resistant Steven) Steven stop fighting I love you and your magic let me show-

 _The door flies open and Connie's father stands in the doorway. He is absolutely furious._

Doug: You have gone too far Connie. I am sick to death of your lying.

 _Peridot sneaks in. She grabs a bag of popcorn and starts eating_.

Connie: You can't stop us Steven and I are in love. We're jam buds. We'll be together forever. Isn't that right Steven. Steven?

Steven: Connie you're freaking me out right now. You're only 13.

Doug: Straight from the mouth of the randy teenager. C'mon Connie we're heading home and if I have my way you'll never see Steven again.

Grabs Connie by the wrist and pulls her with him.

Connie: Dad you're hurting me.

Doug: No I'm not but when I'm through with you you'll wish I had. How does boarding school sound?

As Connie leaves crying. Peridot runs over to Steven. The two hug.

Peridot: Alone at last. Now where were we?

 _A shadow falls on the happy couple as they turn around they see Greg in the doorway._

Greg: Hello Stu ball, Doug told me what was going on. I'm going to be staying here a few days.

Narrator: It is the first morning since the women left and things have changed drastically for the men.

 _At the Big Donut there is a huge crowd. Lars is looking flustered as he is trying to fill the orders. The scrum of men keep coming._

Lars: Wait one at a time. I'll get your orders in due time.

Customer 1: You're out of coffee.

Lars: S—t I just filled it up five minutes ago.

Customer 2: I want one dozen cinnamon buns.

Lars: We just ran out of cinnamon buns. Please we're rapidly running out of stock.

Customer 2: Well when will you get more?

Lars: Two days from now. Now everybody just form a nice orderly line and I will see to you all.

 _The men all swarm Lars. He is no longer visible. In desperation Lars' hand shoots out before going out of sight._

Lars: No this is really a two-person job.

 _At the beach house Peridot creeps up to Steven's loft and kisses him._

Steven: Morning

Peridot: Morning Gorgeous. I'm so sorry our evening plans didn't work out so I decided to make it up to you with breakfast in bed.

Steven: You're making me breakfast? That's so sweet.

Peridot:(Pulls out what looks like a 3D printer and places it on Steven's lap) Yup I'm printing it now. It should be ready in about 15 minutes.

 _Steven stares at the printer as it slowly builds his breakfast. A few minutes later Greg wakes up and shuffles towards the cubby in his tatty underwear. Steven winces at the sight._

Greg: Hey Stu ball what you got there?

Steven: Peridot's making breakfast.

Greg: (reaches in and grabs the food) Hey cool pancakes. Stu ball do you mind if I eat this?

Steven: No problem I've lost my appetite anyway.

Greg: Hey Steven I'm going to help with rebuilding the pier. I'd like you to come and help me.

Steven: That's sounds nice but what about Peridot?

Greg: Oh let her work on robots or something.

Peridot: It's like I'm not even here! Greg you could try talking to me at least.

Steven: Er Dad, I really would like to spend some time with Peridot. You know showing her Beach City and stuff.

Greg: Steven after that Connie incident I want to keep an eye on you. In case Connie tries something again.

 _Meanwhile at the Relaxo Hot Springs the women are lounging by the hot spring's pool._

Pearl: Tell what makes this different from our days in Beach City?

Amethyst: Ah the water's heated.

Vidalia: And I don't have to cook and clean.

Amethyst and Vidalia laugh.

 _Back at the old Docks in Beach City the men are getting ready to do their new project. As the men mill around Greg and Steven come in._

Dewey: Okay I've got the plans for the docks right here. We just need to pull out the old pylons and then the real work can begin. Now where's the heavy equipment?

Smiley: I thought you were ordering it.

Dewey: No I ordered the lumber. You were supposed to get the machinery since you use it in your business.

Smiley: Roller coasters are not the same as bulldozers and pile drivers so unless there's a giant robot somewhere we're stuck.

The assembled men grumble. Then Peridot comes marching in her giant robot followed by a swarm of robiniods.

Peridot: Did anybody call for a giant robot?

 _The men all stare slack jawed as Peridot pulls out the old pylons. As they gape Connie comes over to the site in a white dress to see Steven. Greg is prepared as he sprays Connie with a jet of water from a hose. Her dress becomes transparent which means nothing since she is still a little girl. Connie just takes it all in stride as she poses for Steven. Connie too absorbed in Steven doesn't notice Peridot's robot walking up from behind. Angry Peridot uses the robot to pick up Connie by the collar and fling her into the ocean._

Peridot: Stay away from my Steven.

 _The crowd claps. Peridot bows and takes a break. As the men have lunch, sandwiches Peridot drinks coffee with Steven and Greg. An anxious Sour Cream comes round searching for his brother._

Sour Cream: Hey has anybody seen little Onion? I haven't seen him since this morning.

Dewey: Onion's loose? we have to find him right away.

Peridot: Isn't Onion that little psychopath you were taking about Steven?

Greg: Peridot Onion isn't a psychopath we just need to find him in case he gets…hurt.

Peridot: Oh my stars! My robot.

 _Inside the giant robot Onion grins evilly. He starts smashing into buildings. As the men scatter three figures come to the rescue Steven, Peridot and Greg. Greg sprays Onion in the cockpit with water causing the boy to lose control. Thinking fast Steven runs up to the robot, climbs up to the cockpit and bubbles Onion before he gets hurt. Peridot uses her robiniods to hold down the giant robot as Steven rolls Onion to safety._

 _Later as Peridot cleans up the area with her robiniods Doug rolls Onion into the police car. In the back is a very wet Connie._

Steven: I'll go and pop Onion's bubble.

Doug: No! That won't be necessary tonight. Onion is safe right now. I'll just call his father.

Narrator: Thanks to Peridot's robiniods the docks are rebuilt in record time. When Yellowtail finally reaches land Doug uses this opportunity to remind Yellowtail his duties as a father.

 _As Yellowtail picks up Onion at the police station, Doug handcuffs Yellowtail to an unbubbled Onion. Connie in the jail cell looks on._

Connie: Dad when are you going to let me out?

Doug: When I can trust you again which might be never.

 _At the beach house a very tired Peridot walks in after a day's work. As she enters she sees the house is a mess with Greg's clothes scattered round. Greg is sitting on the couch watching TV with Steven._

Greg: Hey great job with the docks. How about we order a pizza?

Steven: Dad Connie's stunt blew away our food budget. We can't order in.

Peridot: Never mind I will make us something.

Greg: Peridot you learnt how to-

 _Greg stares as Peridot brings out the printer again. As it starts printing Greg's face falls._

Greg: What is that?

Peridot: I'm making meatloaf with a suspended protein slurry. My synthesizer uses materials much more efficiently than conventional cooking. When it is done in about an hour the meatloaf will have all the required nutrients in one meal.

Steven:(playing along) Meatloaf my favorite.

Greg: You kids have proven yourself capable of taking care of yourselves. I think I'll just mosey back into my van and leave you to it.

 _Once Greg leaves Steven turns to Peridot._

Steven: Shall we continue our session from last night.

Peridot: Yeah!

 _Moments later Steven and Peridot are on the couch watching the video Steven got. Steven looks bored while Peridot is fast asleep._

Steven: This has got to be one of the boring educational videos ever. Thank you, Public television, thank you.

Narrator: The next morning at the Relaxo Hot Springs Julia Dewey decides to confront her husband's crush.

 _Julia looks angry as she stares down at a lawn chair_.

Julia: Where do get off teasing my husband like that. I've seen you around town wearing those skin tight clothes looking confident. Is it any wonder why men drool over you? Well it stops now, put on some normal clothes and stop leading my husband on.

Garnet: I have not nor have I ever been interested in Mayor Dewey. Pearl is the one your husband chases.

 _Pearl is talking on the cellphone. She is wearing a dark modest swimsuit. It is obvious that she is talking to Steven as she sounds very motherly. When she notices Julia staring at her, Pearl hangs up._

Pearl: Is there something I can help you with?

Pearl gets up and faces Julia. As the two women stare at each other it is obvious that they two are very similar in build and demeanor.

Julia: You're my husband's crush?

Pearl: And you are?

Julia: Julia Dewey, Mayor Dewey's wife. Why is my husband attracted to you? You're skinny and pale and frumpy. Why?

Pearl: I have no idea but I can tell I've done nothing to attract him. I don't even like humans that way.

Julia:(crying) All this time I thought it was me. That I wasn't good enough but that's not the case at all. I try and I try thinking if I change myself he might come back to me but it was all him. He got bored.

 _Julia clings to Pearl sobbing. Pearl looks uncomfortable_.

Narrator: At Beach City things have slowed down.

 _At the pizzeria Koffi sits waiting for customers but none have come._

Koffi:(To the camera) I thought I would be packed but they've all decided to barbeque their meals.

 _Meanwhile at the Yellowtails. Yellowtail is looking miserable as he is chained to his son. He looks out the window and sighs. The sea was calling to him and he can't do anything._

 _At the beach house Steven is pulling a giggling Peridot down the stairs. They stop laughing as they see Greg waiting for them on the beach with a guitar._

Greg: Hey Stu-ball business has been slow so how about we have a music jam together.

Steven: What about Peridot?

Greg: Oh just let her build sandcastles or something.

Peridot: I'm right here. (walks away) You'll have the house to yourself they said. It'll be fun they said.

Narrator: Meanwhile at Fish Stew Pizza Koffi has an idea to step up business.

Koffi: Hey Yellowtail, I'm having a poker tournament. Do you want to come?

 _On the other side of the line Yellowtail gives and enthusiastic yes. He marches straight out the door with a handcuffed Onion trailing him._

 _At the Universe residence Steven is sitting slumped down as Greg plays his guitar oblivious to his son's discomfort. In the background Peridot is pushing sand around with a bulldozer. Suddenly Greg's cell rings._

Greg: You're having a poker night. Alright count me in. (hangs up) Steven it looks like you're handling yourself well. I'm going to play some poker maybe win us some food money.

Steven: Okay Dad have fun.

Greg: I know I can trust you with Peridot son.

Later at Fish Stew Pizza Koffi has made refreshments.

Koffi: I've got pizza everybody.

 _The men Dewey, Greg, Yellowtail with Onion handcuffed and Doug sit around a small table. As Koffi places the pizza he sits down._

Greg: So where's Connie?

Doug: I made some arrangements. Don't worry she's not going anywhere.

 _Back at the police station Connie sits in a jail cell with a jug of water and a loaf of bread._

 _Meanwhile the men are getting into their game._

Yellowtail says something incomprehensible.

Koffi: Yes, I've turned off the oven. You sound like my mother.

 _Back at the kitchen the oven is still on._

Narrator: Meanwhile at the Universe residence the kids are finally enjoying some alone time.

 _It is late at night and Steven and Peridot are enjoying a late night swim. They are frolicking in the water enjoying themselves. They chase each other until Steven catches Peridot. Peridot blushes. As she is about to kiss Steven, Peridot sees something._

Peridot: Steven, the town is on fire!

Steven: You're right we gotta help them.

Peridot: I was thinking more along the line of putting up a forcefield so the beach house doesn't catch fire as well.

Steven: Peridot you're now a citizen of Beach City it's our duty to help.

Peridot: Steven do you know how to put out a large scale fire?

Steven: Doesn't matter it's our duty to help. I thought you understood that.

 _Steven starts swimming towards the shore._

Peridot: Steven wait!

 _Steven forms his shield, steps out of the water and starts running towards town. He is completely naked._

Peridot: At least put on a pair of pants.

 _It is early morning. A worried looking Peridot is wearing one of Steven's T-shirts. As she waits Peridot drinks a cup of coffee. Hearing a knock at the door Peridot rushes to open it. It is Steven and behind him the entire town is waiting on the beach._

Peridot: Steven thank the stars are you okay?

Steven: I'm fine but the entire town has been burnt down.

Peridot: The entire town but I thought the fire department could deal with this?

Steven: I thought so too but Sadie's mom was fire chief and her replacement Bob is an idiot.

Peridot: Wow, you really are angry aren't you?

Steven: The entire fire department was running around like headless chickens. But that is beside the point these guys need a place to stay.

Peridot: Steven the beach house is too small and the temple is dangerous. What if one of these guys pop a bubble in burning room or get buried under Amethyst's trash piles?

Steven: Not to worry. I've got it all figured out. We'll recreate the entire town in my mom's room.

Peridot: That's insane. Steven you told me Rose's room attempted to replicate the entire town and it was a disaster. In fact, it seems every time you use the room it ends up being a disaster.

Steven: Oh it's not that bad. We won't be recreating the people and that took a lot of processing power.

Peridot: Even without the people it's a massive undertaking. The town is over 10 acres in size and every building is different. Are you going to create every business and home to exact detail? That's impossible.

Steven: You're right but.

 _Steven and Peridot are in Rose's room. Steven has created rows upon rows of small brightly colored houses other than the color the houses are exactly identical. Steven smiles smugly at Peridot._

Steven: See problem solved. Now everybody has a place to sleep.

Peridot: Wow great now all we have to worry about is food and water oh and the possibility of one of these idiots burning down the town again.

Steven: I think they've learned their lesson.

Peridot: I'm going to call the Red Cross. I'll be waiting on the beach for you to come to your senses.

 _Steven ignores her as she leaves grumbling. Smiling he calls out to the men as they all come rushing in. It is like a small stampede. As they men settle down for the night Steven's smile fades as he thinks about what state the beach house must be. When he enters the beach house he sees the place is trashed._

Steven: Gah they trashed my home. How could this week get any worse?

Narrator: The week is over and the women are refreshed and looking forward to reuniting with their husbands.

 _The bus drives into town and drops the ladies of Beach City off. Horrified the women all drop their suitcases at the scene before them. The entire town is a burnt out shell. Not one building is standing._

Nanefua: I guess that idiot did set the pizzeria on fire.

Barb: Look I see some smoke.

 _The women all run down to the beach. The temple is a smoking ruin. The beach house is ashes and the temple's face has fallen into the sand. In front of all this Steven is in rags kneeling before the devastation. Peridot also in rags is trying to comfort him._

Steven:(Sobbing) You maniacs you burnt it all down. Damn you all, damn you all to hell.

Narrator: It is now two months later and some drastic changes have happened at Beach City. For starter's there has been a record divorce rate as the wives came home to a burnt out town but not all couples were disappointed.

 _Priyanka and Doug are sitting happily in their new apartment. Connie is nowhere to be seen._

Doug: Well for obvious reasons we couldn't stay at Beach City. So we moved to Ocean Town.

Priyanka: I am very impressed with the way Doug handled things not only with the sleepover incident but getting our daughter to safety after Beach City caught on fire.

Doug: Connie was dangerously close to ruining her life over some boy no less. All the lies she told us I'm not really quite sure how it got so out of hand. So we laid down the law. We took away her internet and grounded her until we could find more suitable arrangements.

Priyanka: All I can say is thank the gods our insurance pulled through. We used the money to send Connie to an all girl's boarding school Nebraska away from Steven.

 _Camera focuses on Connie wearing a dark pinafore. She is looking absolutely miserable in a field of wheat._

 _And now to the Dewey's_

 _Julia is sitting in an unfamiliar looking apartment in Ocean Town. Buck is beside her but Bill her husband is absent._

Julia: You know I always thought it was me that made Bill stray or even Garnet. It hurt me to feel that I wasn't adequate.

Buck: Mom I know how hard you worked to make your marriage work.

Julia: But it wasn't enough. After talking to the gems I realize it was all him. So I divorced Bill and moved to Ocean town.

 _And finally to the Crystal Gems themselves. They are on a stretch of beach laughing and having a good time. Behind them is another temple._

Garnet: Well the trip to the spa and the return was quite the eye opener.

Amethyst: Like finding out how stupid the boys are in Beach City.

Pearl: We couldn't stay in Beach City so we moved to Malta. We had lived there about 2000 years ago. It took a little cleaning up but now it feels like home. We left Greg behind of course but Steven can go visit him whenever he likes.

Garnet: I was a little worried about Steven after everything that happened but thanks to Peridot he's adjusting well.

 _Steven and Peridot are playing on the beach. Steven twirls Peridot around before embracing her._

Peridot:(to the camera) I am enjoying Malta so much. The white sands, the blue sea the fact that there is no Connie butting in or telling lies about me.

Steven: Yeah after we moved, I discovered this web page Connie had set up saying all these terrible things about Peridot. She accused Peridot of experimenting on humans, even creating the Cluster. Well I set things straight and now I'm going to focus on the true love of my life.

 _Steven kisses Peridot as the screen fades to black._


	6. A Wedding Story

A Wedding Story

 _Steven and Peridot first met when they were 13 years old. Though the relationship was off to a rocky start since Peridot tried to invade the earth, their feelings blossomed from friendship into love. Now 10 years later Steven and Peridot want to make the ultimate commitment and marry._

 _Steven is a psychology major finishing his PhD. He wants to open a practice treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Peridot is on her post doc studying robotics at MIT. Once she has finished her studies hopes to patent her inventions and live with Steven in the town where they met Beach City._

Steven and Peridot are sitting on a couch side by side. Steven has put his hair back in a ponytail and is wearing a nice suit. Peridot has her hair in a braid and is human clothes a polo shirt and some jeans. Both still look like they're 12 years old.

Steven:(To the camera) I have this rare genetic condition that I inherited from my mother for the first 14 years of my life everything seemed normal. I even had a girlfriend of sorts.

Pictures of Connie and Steven appear. The couple first appear smiling but as Connie gets older and Steven stays the same the smiles fade and in the final picture an adult Connie and the still young Steven have their backs to each other.

Steven: Fortunately, I met Peridot who has the same genetic condition. Though it wasn't love first sight.

Peridot: When I first met him I tried to kill him. I'm actually an alien so I viewed him as some sort of pest invading my workspace.

Steven: But thanks to my natural charm I won her over. We had our ups and downs. Saving the world and all but we stuck together through thick and thin.

Peridot: When our trials were over I convinced him to set out on his own. Thanks to me he has become a man.

Steven:(Nuzzling her) In more ways than one.

Peridot:(To the camera) Buying a wedding dress has proved harder than expected. Due to my small size.

Pearl helps Peridot try on some wedding dresses. Because she is so small Peridot is drowning in the lace and satin.

Peridot: You there do you have any in a smaller size?

Attendant: Look you're about the size of a twelve-year-old. We cater to a to more mature crowd.

Peridot: I'm 23 years old.

Attendant: Well then I suggest either trying out some confirmation gowns or getting your dress made.

Pearl: Hey that's a great idea. Amethyst knows how to sew. In fact, she made all of Steven's clothes.

Peridot: Amethyst sews?

Pearl: Yes, well we all had our jobs raising Steven. You don't think Amethyst lay around the house eating all day did you?

Back at the temple Peridot makes a face as she tries on her 'dress'. Amethyst gives a thumbs up as the dress is a white T shirt with a yellow star and a pair of jeans.

Peridot: Can't make anything a little more formal? Like a dress?

Amethyst:(blushes) Uh no. I really just learned to make just one outfit. Why do you think Steven wore the same clothes day after day?

Peridot: Well, although this is cute I need a little more formal look.

 _Steven meets his future in laws_

A huge flying saucer lands on the beach. The door opens forming a ramp through the blinding light we see to forms emerge. They are both Peridots one has a mass of blonde hair and has robotic arms and 4 crablike legs. The other has green hair wears thick glasses but is tall and has fully functional natural limbs.

Blonde Peridot: Hello I'm robotic unit 4x25v and this is my partner observation unit x5j

Tall Peridot: Peridot is our composite clone.

Steven: Wait Peridot has parents?

Peridot: No these are my gemetic donors. I am their co-clone

Blonde Peridot: Of course Peridot has parents. You don't think she just sprung out of the ground did you?

Steven: Isn't that how gems are normally made?

Tall Peridot:(laughing) maybe about 2000 years ago Kindergartens are obsolete. Now we mix gemetic codes and incubate it in a Pearl.

Steven: Peridot, you never mentioned your parents.

Tall Peridot: Young one you never told him about us?

Peridot: You sent me off to a boarding crèche as soon as I could walk.

Blonde Peridot: The best and might I add the most expensive boarding crèche.

Steven invites them inside. At the counter Peridot's parents are drinking or trying to drink some coffee. Pearl is with Steven and Peridot looking very protective.

Steven: So what do you guys do for a living?

Blonde Peridot: Well I build and repair warships and my partner here is an astronomer.

Pearl: But from the looks of it you can barely see.

Tall Peridot: So there is much more light than in the visible spectrum and besides I map gravity hotspots.

Steven: What was Peridot like when she was young?

Peridot: Steven, no.

Blonde Peridot: Oh our little pyramid was so cute. I have some holographs of her in my data files.

Tall Peridot flashes holograms of pictures of Peridot there is the standard stock of embarrassing baby pictures. The group laughs as they go through old times of raising Peridot.

Blonde Peridot: ..and we had the hardest time getting her to wear clothes

Tall Peridot: And that weird lingo she uses. I think she must have picked it up in Peridot school.

Steven: This is all very interesting but how did she end up on Earth if Kindergartens are obsolete on Homeworld?

Tall Peridot: Our little pyramid has always been fascinated by history.

Blonde Peridot: She wanted to be an archeologist but her supervisor trained her to become a Kindergarten technician. (laughs nervously) Now here she is bonding to one of the local lifeforms on this painfully primitive planet.

Steven: I'm half human.

Tall Peridot: Oh yes that makes things so much better since your guardians hunted and enslaved her.

Steven: But now she's free and has a life of her own. Everything's okay.

Blonde Peridot: Tell me if this was your daughter in Peridot's shoes would you see any of this okay?

The group starts arguing Peridot sighs and leads Steven away.

At the bridal shower the guests are having a great time. Peridot is enjoying the day as she unwraps her presents. Jenny hands her a box when Peridot opens it turns out to be a toaster.

Peridot: What a lovely drone thank you. Now drone effect repairs on Steven's game console. Drone?

Jenny: It's a toaster Peridot.

Peridot: Toaster, toast me some bread. Toaster?

Jenny: You really don't know much about Earth tech do you? Oh look here's a present from Connie.

Peridot: I thought she hated me. Oh well. Jenny why is this box ticking?

Garnet rushes over and bubbles the present. It explodes safely inside the bubble.

Steven and Peridot meet up with the Mayor of Beach City, Buck Dewey. Who is looking older but still wears shades.

Steven: We don't practice any religion but we would still like to marry.

Peridot: We feel it is necessary to formalize our status as a bonded couple.

Buck Dewey: Look it's all very cute and all but you are both still kids.

Steven: I'm 24 and I work part time as a social worker.

Buck: Steven you're 41/2 feet tall you don't even shave yet. Peridot, Peridot do you even understand what marriage means?

Peridot: I've been living on this planet for 10 years. I understand Earth customs.

Buck: Yeah right. Guys you're my friends and all but I just can't sleep if I let this marriage happen.

Peridot and Steven leave. Later in the beach house Peridot and Steven are frantically making calls.

Steven:(looking very hurt) Well we've made a few calls. It seems like nobody in Beach City feels comfortable marrying us.

Peridot: In their eyes we're just a couple of kids. I told you we should have married in Boston.

Steven: Well Peridot is right in this case but that still means we have to make some last minute changes.

Peridot: Like cancelling the florist, caterers and DJ. It looks like we're going to have to delay the wedding thanks to this fiasco.

Steven: Speaking of which do you have your wedding dress yet?

Peridot: No but I am looking at vintage clothing. In the past women were of much smaller stature. Perhaps I will have some luck there.

 _Back in Boston the couple are making last minute preparations._

The couple are in a bakery trying to order a wedding cake.

Peridot: Greetings bakery worker, I am Peridot and this is my fiancé Steven. We would like to order a cake for our wedding.

Baker: Oh don't you two look cute? Well I've got just the thing (pulls out what is clearly a child's cake) this beauty will go great with ice cream. Perfect for your 'wedding'.

Steven: I'm 24 years old and we're having a real wedding.

Baker: Oh ah sorry about that. It's just that you two look so young. So is this cosplay?

Peridot: No my skin is actually green.

Baker: Well ah never mind how big is the reception?

Peridot: Less than 60 humans.

Steven: Peridot? What do you mean by humans?

Peridot: Okay I invited a few friends from work. Don't look at me like that. If you could invite the whole town in Beach City why can't I invite my coworkers.

Steven: Well how are we going to feed them?

Peridot: Don't worry my gemetic donors have hired caterers they should be here any day now.

Just outside of earth's orbit a squadron of flying saucers are flying to earth. Back on Earth in a military bunker the klaxons are going. Inside are a general and a lieutenant in front of a monitor.

Lieutenant: Alien crafts please identify yourselves state your purpose.

Incomprehensible warbling is the reply.

Lieutenant: Sir they say they are a wedding party and carters.

General: Wedding party what species?

Lieutenant: They say they are gems sir and they're with the bride.

General: Well as long as it isn't a Nausican bachelor party I'm fine with that. Very well give them permission to land.

Back in Boston the wedding party's saucers land in a huge park. One the dust has cleared the doors to the saucers open. Out comes gems of various colors with robotic drones holding equipment of some sort. A police officer walks up to the gems and hands them all traffic tickets and then walks away.

The big day arrives. The guests are in a big reception hall. It has been decorated with pink and green streamers as well as some alien looking flowers. On one side Steven's family and his friends from Boston are there. On the other side Peridot's tall parent and her friends from work both in Boston and Homeworld. It is a strange and motley crew, gems and humans side by side. Steven is wearing a formal suit and waiting at a floral arch. The music begins and the toaster walks down the aisle as a flower girl. Moments later Peridot walks in with her robotic looking parent. She is wearing a green Tudor style dress and headband. As she comes up to the front, the robotic parent gives her away to Steven.

Steven: That's pretty retro, are you sure that's a wedding dress?

Peridot: I made sure of that when I bought it at the antiquities store. Besides I don't really think I should be wearing white.

Steven and Peridot laugh.

Steven: Well you still look beautiful (Kisses her)

The music suddenly stops. Up on the balcony of the reception hall a distraught Connie is seen.

Connie: Steven!

Steven cringes in embarrassment as two ushers pull her away.

The justice of the Peace in Boston presides over the ceremony.

Justice of the Peace: Dearly beloved we are gathered to join in matrimony this man and this woman and though they look like children have proven themselves to be adults. The couple have chosen to read their own vows.

Steven: Before I met you my life was like a TV show with me as the star. I was the center of the universe. I knew so little and didn't ask questions. Then you came into my life. With you around I started to notice the world and ask questions. As I explored the world with you it was you who taught me so much, about responsibility and logic. Without your help building the drill we would have never stopped the cluster. You got me out of my comfortable rut and showed me new worlds.

Through you I started to grow as a person. Through your love and you can love no matter what others say I became a man. You showed me that love is give and take. That there are times when you must focus on your partner and not yourself. Thank you for turning me from the king of Beach City to a citizen of the galaxy

Peridot: Steven before I met you my world was filled with rules and regulations. It was safe, orderly and predictable and then I crashed into your planet and met you. Before I met you my life was cold and logical but it had no warmth. I did not know how to feel. On Earth I learned about fear and pain. I was so confused then you rescued me. With your love and patience, I learned about happiness and compassion. You taught me how to love. You made me feel wanted and valuable. Thank you Steven for teaching me how to feel.

Justice of the Peace: By the state of Massachusetts, I pronounce you husband and wife.

Steven places the ring on Peridot's finger. On it is a Lapis Stone.

The two kiss. After the vows are said Steven and Peridot turn towards the group. The crowd all clap.

Steven:(holding Peridot's hand) Well you are probably wondering after 5 years living together we finally decided to marry.

Peridot: The fact is we have something very important to tell you. Something that makes this marriage even more important.

Steven:(looks at his bride) Peridot and I are having a baby. That is why we decided to marry now.

Greg turns green and vomits. The Crystal Gems and Peridot's gemetic donors look disturbed.

Pearl: It's not that we aren't happy for you it's just that you're only 24 Steven.

Tall Peridot: Are you even using a pearl how far along are you?

Peridot: I have about 2 years to go and no I'm not using a pearl.

Yellow Diamond's pearl sighs in relief.

Later at the reception two cakes are cut. One a cake for the humans and the other a glowing blue 'cake'. After the cake is eaten the couple has their first dance as husband and wife. The crowd gasps as they glow and turn into Stevidot. Stevidot is a large thin man wearing Peridot's wedding dress. He has brown skin and hair.

Stevidot: Whoops got at little too excited. We'll separate now.

The two diffuse and then it's onto saying farewell.

A few moments later the couple are standing and waving in front of a flying saucer. On it is a sign that says 'Just Married'. The happy couple get in. Peridot can be seen in the window getting ready to fly. Then the saucer lifts high into the sky.

Greg: Where are they going?

Garnet: I think that doesn't matter. They are spending two weeks away where Connie can't follow.


	7. The Dating Game Part 2

The Dating Game Part 2

 _We are back at the 70's style TV studio set. Same bright colors and décor however there is one small difference as they are armed gems standing near the audience._

Ronaldo: Welcome to the dating game. I'm your host Ronaldo Fryman. It's been 4 years since we had our last show and our benevolent overlords have agreed to another show after rescuing Steven and Peridot from Mask Island. We have our bachelor Steven.

 _Steven is in the studio. The crowd claps and cheers. Stevenhas grown is looking much older about 18. He is about 61/2 feet tall and muscular. He has a ratty beard and is wearing a grass skirt. Beside are what remains of his family a tied up Amethyst, a cowed Greg, a broken Pearl and an irate looking Yellow Diamond._

Steven: At least you could have gotten us dressed.

Ronaldo: And we have our 3 bachelorettes. Bachelorette #1 is Lapis Lazuli a powerful water elemental who was a member of the late Blue Diamond's court.

 _As Lapis enters the crowd claps and cheers_.

Ronaldo: Then we have bachelorette #2 Connie Maheswaran. Connie is 17-year-old high school student. She is an accomplished violinist, leads the cheerleading squad, gets straight A's and has a scholarship to Princeton.

 _Connie enters a beautiful confident girl who soon loses her confidence as the crowd boos and hisses._

Ronaldo: I hate her too but she digs Steven and finally we have bachelorette #3. Peridot is a single teenaged mother recently rescued after spending 4 years on a deserted island.

 _The crowd politely claps as Peridot in a tatty T shirt and a grass skirt enters. She is looking much older as well about 18 too. She is 51/2 feet tall and looking quite curvy. In her arms she is holding a small baby who looks like Steven._

Peridot: Whoa you are really trying to put me down aren't you and for the record Steven and did marry on Mask Island.

Ronaldo: Sorry marriages performed by melons don't count. The rules are much the same as last time. Steven and his family will ask questions to the three bachelorettes. They will not answer any questions regarding name, age, species or profession. Now here is the vital difference after all the questions are asked, you the viewer, will get to vote who will get to go to another date. This time another island Manhattan in New York City.

 _The crowd cheers._

Ronaldo: Cherish it viewers this is now one of the few times we get to vote now due to the generosity of Yellow Diamond. Okay girls are you ready.

 _The bachelorettes nod_.

Ronaldo: Steven are you ready?

Steven:(laughs nervously) Ready as I'll ever be.

Greg: I have a question for the bachelorettes you've won the contest. Tell me what you would do in Manhattan.

Lapis Lazuli: I would fly up to the Empire State Building, then I would look at the Statue of Liberty using my wings and then I would fly to Staten Island.

Steven: You sure are fond of flying.

Lapis Lazuli: Hey why waste perfectly good money on bus fare. Then I would go see the MOMA art Gallery.

Connie: Well first I would- (due to explicit content this portion of the dialogue has been censored)

Greg: Wow and to think I liked you over Peridot. That was really disturbing. Now onto Peridot.

 _Peridot is nursing her baby_.

Ronaldo: Ma'am you can't do that here this is a family show.

Peridot: Yet it's okay for Connie to say those things on television. She isn't even legally an adult yet.

Ronaldo: There's a two-minute delay in viewing. We're censoring that.

Peridot: Then censor this, you hypocrite. Okay first off we would go down to Baby Gap and get little Jaundice some clothes. Speaking of which can you turn down the air conditioning? The baby's cold. Then we would buy some clothes for ourselves, check into a hotel have a quick shower and then I would let Steven take the lead and have him show me the sights.

 _Yellow Diamond's lips quiver._

Yellow Diamond: You named the baby after me? That's so sweet.

Peridot: See Steven, I told you naming the naming the baby Jaundice was a good idea.

Amethyst: Now it's Pearl turn

 _We focus on a broken Pearl. It does nothing_.

Steven: I'll fix that.

 _Steven kisses Pearl's gemstone. The gem heals and Pearl emerges looking very confused._

Pearl: What happened?

Steven: Well you fought a war with Yellow Diamond and lost. Now the Earth is under the heel of the gem authority and people have lost all rights and freedoms. Also Amethyst marooned Peridot and I on Mask Island for our safety and together we had a baby girl.

Pearl: (Gem cracks again) You and Peridot had a child. Nooo!

Amethyst: Okay my turn now. A question for all the bachelorettes now. You and Steven are trapped on a desert island what would you do?

Lapis: Oh I would just fly Steven out on my water wings.

Amethyst: Now imagine that you've lost your water powers.

Lapis:(curls up on floor) Lost my powers no not that.

Amethyst: Okay that's Lapis out for the count. Now to you Connie.

Connie: Well Steven I would give you all my love.

Steven: What do you mean by that?

Connie's dialogue is censored due to mature content.

Amethyst: Whoa my ears are burning. You really would need condoms. Okay now you Peridot.

Peridot: Really?

Amethyst: Yeah really.

Peridot: Okay first I would first attempt to escape the island. After that failed I would help Steven seek food and water and I don't know conceive and bear his child.

Steven: My turn we have just got married what would you do? Clean answers this time.

Lapis: I would entertain you with my many, many tricks.

 _Lapis warps and morphs the water in the glass into various shapes. Then she flies around the studio showing off._

Connie: I would be your loyal and devoted knight. I would slay all our enemies and protect you with my sword forever and always my liege.

Peridot: I would be up all night signing up all the correct paperwork. Dotting every I and crossing every T.

Steven: And why would that be?

Peridot: Because I want our marriage to last and not be ignored through some legal loophole.

 _Crowd goes aww_.

Peridot: Then in two words Conch Diving.

 _Steven splutters the water he is drinking and blushes._

Steven: Okay final question what have you been doing for the last 4 years. First Peridot, then Connie and finally Lapis Lazuli.

Peridot: Well Steven I assume this is for the audience's sake. I have been living with you for the past 4 years and although conditions have been harsh and unbelievably primitive these have been the happiest 4 years of my life.

Steven: Now you Connie beat that.

Connie: I have been training constantly waiting for you to return my love. I never lost faith and still want to be with you despite all that happened with that slut Peridot.

Steven: You say that despite what you've just said on television. Okay what did you do during the invasion?

Connie: Well the military was totally unprepared. We were defeated in a matter of days. I waited for you all this time hoping you would come back. Hoping you would save us.

Steven: What about the Crystal gems?

Connie: Oh forget about them you are the one that matters.

Steven: Lovely, okay Lapis Lazuli tell me what you did.

Lapis: Well honestly I thought the gems had killed you so I set about avenging you.

Steven: What do you mean?

Lapis: I may have told Yellow Diamond about the Crystal Gems' defenses and the military capabilities of Earth.

 _Crowds goes silent_

Ronaldo: We have some fresh info from Tumblr. They see nothing wrong in what you did. You're forgiven. Okay now the votes are coming in let's see who's going to Manhattan. I don't believe it the results are in so soon and the winners are Lapis Lazuli and Peridot.

 _Crowd cheers loudly_.

Peridot: Why in the name of the Goddess would anyone think we're compatible? You haven't even seen Lapis speak a civil word to me.

Ronaldo: I guess people think you look good together.

Peridot leaves her chair holding her baby. She stands in front of Lapis Lazuli who looks her up and down.

Lapis: Well this might be okay. You don't look so bad without your limb enhancers. Lose the brat and then we can go on our date.

Peridot's fist snakes out and she punches Lapis on the jaw. The punch is so hard Lapis instantly poofs.

Peridot: Steven let's leave this place. It's full of idiots.

 _Steven starts to get up while Greg tries to stop him._

Greg: Steven she's an inhuman monster.

Steven: Dad she is the mother of my child. I'm also an adult now. I will be with whoever I want. Nobody tells me what to do.

 _Peridot runs over and kisses Steven._


	8. Teen Parents

Teen Parents

Peridot and Steven are sitting together on a bench. Steven has his arm around Peridot's shoulders

Steven: I honestly never expected to be a father at this age. I mean I know how babies are made but I never expected this.

Peridot: We had an accident while fusing.

Steven: Looking back I realize there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I mean we were trying to save my Dad's life

 _G_ reg Universe is fleeing for his life in his van. In the air a giant green nose is rapidly gaining at it chases him. Greg swerves and dodges the snot beams fired from the nose, as Greg crashes into a telephone pole Steven and Peridot run towards each other. Once they meet Steven twirls Peridot and the two fuse to form a large brown skinned fusion.

The fusion is male has curly brown hair and is about 61/2 feet tall. He is muscular yet skinny and has 2 gems a brown triangular gem on his forehead and a round one on his belly. Stevidot is wearing a combination of Peridot's and Steven's clothes. Green socks, denim shorts and a green starred T shirt with goggles.

Once formed Stevidot summons his weapon which happens to be a large yoyo. Stevidot shoots out the yoyo which hits the nose. The nose explodes in a storm of snot. Steven and Peridot separate only to find a large surprise. A large naked teenager with a brown gem on his forehead is there as well, this is Steven and Peridot's child.

Baby: (Starts crying) I'm cold.

Greg: Guah? Wha, What's that?

Steven: What's happening?

Peridot: (Muttering) Fuse with Steven they said. Nothing's going to happen they said. Well does this look like nothing. Steven this is our offspring.

Steven freezes up. Peridot walks up to Steven and takes his wallet. She then takes the new gem by the hand and walks away.

Peridot: Come offspring we must attend to your needs.

Moments later the two are at the boardwalk T shirt shop. They are trying to enter but are barred by the proprietor.

Shop Owner: Ma'am you can't bring that man into the store.

Peridot: Well why not?

Shop Owner: Because he's naked.

Peridot: That's exactly why we're at the T shirt store.

Shop Owner: Look you're new to this planet but you can't just walk around naked. Why don't you take him home?

Peridot: We have no clothes for him at home. Now will you please let us in? I have money.

The owner of the T shirt shop looks round. Seeing nobody around he lets the pair in. Moments later Peridot and her son walk out. He is wearing an extra-large T shirt, a pair of swimming trunks and flip flops.

Peridot: Come offspring let's take you to the beach house. The gems will know what to do.

Later at the beach house it is nighttime. Steven and Peridot's son is sleeping in Steven's cubby. Just like a small child his butt is up in the air. Peridot is pacing at the doorway when Steven finally decides to come in.

Peridot: About time you got back home. I had the hardest time putting down your son.

Steven: Sorry it took a long time calming down my Dad. Is that Steven junior?

The two walk up to the cubby and look and their new son.

Steven: Where are the gems?

Peridot: They ran into the temple screaming. I have decided to name our son Topaz.

Steven: I must say you are incredibly calm. Here you are with what must be the most bizarre situation ever encountered and you just took charge. I am impressed and surprised.

Peridot: Who do you think I am Lapis? Steven since crashing to Earth I have had to deal with the bizarre every day. If I didn't I would be curled up in the barn sobbing.

Back at the barn Lapis is curled in the fetal positon on a pile of hay. She is quietly sobbing.

Lapis: I wanna go home.

Back at the beach house it is late at night. Steven and Peridot are sleeping on the pull out couch. Their sleep is disturbed as Topaz starts sobbing. Messy haired Peridot gets up, pulls down the strap of her jumpsuit and walks up to the cubby. A suckling sound is heard. After several minutes Peridot pats her son on the back and loud burp is heard.

The next morning Steven wakes up. Peridot is reading to her son. The newborn looks huge as he sits on her lap.

Steven: (looking at his son) Peridot it's late September. These clothes aren't exactly warm.

Peridot: I know but this is all I could buy with your allowance.

Steven: I'm going to call Connie's mom to check him over.

Back in the Maheswaran's house the phone rings. Smiling Connie leaps and answers the phone.

Connie: Steven I am so glad you called. I was thinking you and I could go hang out at the mall. There's this really great movie we could go to.

Steven: Connie I can't play with you today actually I was wanting to talk to your mother.

Connie: (frowning) Hey Mom it's for you.

Priyanka: Hello Steven what did you want to talk to me about?

Steven: Do you do house calls? It's just that Peridot and I had a son last night and we need him to be checked over.

Priyanka drops her coffee on the floor.

Moments later Dr. Maheswaran drives her car up to the beach house. Just outside is Pearl sitting on the steps rocking back and forth.

Pearl: This isn't happening, this isn't happening.

Priyanka pats her shoulder and runs straight up the stairs with her medical bag. Inside the beach house Amethyst is eating a blender. Steven and Peridot are sitting by the fireplace.

Priyanka: Okay I'm here where's the baby?

Peridot: Topaz is sleeping in Steven's old cubby.

Peridot leads the human doctor up to Steven's room. Dr. Maheswaran stares open mouthed at the large sleeping form of Topaz.

Priyanka: Is this some sort of joke?

Peridot: No it isn't Topaz is the result of Steven and I fusing.

Priyanka: Fusing?

Peridot: It's when gems merge to create a larger more powerful being. The Crystal gems said there was nothing sexual about this but clearly they were wrong. Just like they're wrong about so many things.

Priyanka: So you just gave birth to him?

Peridot: Nothing so traumatic it's just when we unfused there was Topaz.

Priyanka: Be that as it may I insist that you all get a check-up.

A little while later the new family is sitting in the living room wearing towels. As Dr. Maheswaran does her check-up Amethyst is now eating the silverware.

Priyanka: Amethyst why are you eating the silverware?

Amethyst: I can't help it I always eat when I'm upset and we're out of food.

Priyanka: - Okay Steven you seen to be healthy. Peridot I don't know if you're healthy or not. It's time to fill out Topaz's birth certificate.

Priyanka measures Topaz's height, takes him to the bathroom scales, finally inking the soles of Topaz's feet and making him step on a piece of paper.

Priyanka: So when was Topaz born?

Peridot: Yesterday afternoon at 6:39 pm.

Steven: You're pretty sure of the time aren't you?

Peridot: Steven a mother isn't likely to forget the birth of her own child.

Priyanka: Well you seem to be coping very well. Unlike some other gems. I'll just send a social worker to check up on you. Hey Amethyst, where's Garnet.

Amethyst: Little Miss Perfect is in her room.

Inside Garnet's room the fusion is hugging herself and rocking back and forward.

Garnet: This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

On the way out of the beach house Dr. Maheswaran takes Pearl by the hand and guides her into the car.

Steven: Wait, where are you going with Pearl?

Dr. Maheswaran: I'm taking her a hospital to rest.

Steven: Pearl's not human you can't treat her at Beach City General.

Dr. Maheswaran: That's not the hospital I'm taking her too.

Steven and Peridot are sitting on the bench.

Steven: Well it was difficult at first.

Steven is walking home from the drug store. He is looking extremely embarrassed as he carries home a bag of depends adult diapers. Lars sees Steven and snickers.

Lars: Hey Steven has Pearl finally lost it?

Steven: Thank you for not assuming that these depends are not mine.

Back at the bench Topaz is playing with a robinoid while his parents look indulgently on.

Peridot: But after a few days we finally settled into a routine.

The new family is sitting by the fireplace. Steven is reading a newspaper. Topaz is in a set of old fashioned long johns while Peridot is showing her son some flash cards. The door knocks Steven gets up to answer it. At the door is a pleasant looking middle aged woman.

Racheal: Hello I'm Racheal Harbors. Dr. Maheswaran sent me to check in on you.

Steven: You must be the social worker. Please come in.

Racheal walks up to where Peridot and Topaz are sitting.

Racheal: Is this really your baby?

Peridot: Yes, his name is Topaz.

Racheal spends some time looking at Topaz checking to see if he is healthy and happy.

Racheal: So Peridot what are you doing?

Topaz: Momma is testing me with some flash cards. We've been through colors and shapes. This is a trapezoid.

Racheal: Priyanka warned me about this. I didn't know Topaz could talk.

Peridot:(Voice filled with pride) Yes, it appears our offspring has inherited knowledge from both his parents. All he lacks is experience.

Topaz:(Crying) Momma I'm hungry

Peridot: and emotional self-control.

Peridot sighs and pulls down her jumpsuit.

Racheal: Yikes so you breastfeed? That's good. Um I'm just going to look round your house.

Racheal checks out the house. She spends a while in the kitchen and bathroom before coming to Steven.

Racheal: Steven can you show me Topaz's room?

Steven: Sure it's my old cubby. Come up and see.

Racheal: And where do you sleep?

Steven: Well I have a room in the temple but since Topaz is so young, Peridot and I sleep on the fold out couch.

Racheal: You sleep together?

Peridot: Might as well. The damage was already done when we fused.

Racheal: So where are your guardians?

Steven: Pearl's at Pleasant Shores, Amethyst is eating the old warehouse and Garnet's in the temple.

The temple door opens a frazzled Garnet comes out and makes herself a cup of coffee.

Racheal: So how do you think Steven and Peridot are holding up?

Garnet: Better than me. Steven, Peridot I'm sorry if I had known fusion would do this I would have never allowed it.

Garnet goes back inside the temple.

Racheal: Peridot I can't help but notice that your look pale. Have you been out since Topaz was born?

Peridot: No, Steven is the one who does errands. My hands are rather full caring for Topaz.

Racheal: Well it's about time that you had some fun with your child. How about you have a family outing sometime?

It is morning Steven and Peridot are in the park. Topaz is wearing a T-shirt and overalls. They are each holding Topaz's hand between them. Steven looks self-conscious as Topaz skips and jumps between them.

Topaz: (pointing at something) Daddy is that a weapon?

Steven: No that's a bird.

Topaz: Is that a weapon?

Steven: No that's an anthill.

Topaz: Is that a weapon?

Steven: You are so much like your mother.

Topaz smiles and runs to a set of swings. He sits on a swing and smiles.

Topaz: Push me Daddy push me.

Steven pushes his large son on the swing. Topaz laughs as he goes higher and higher. Then he loses his grip and comes crashing down onto his Dad. He sits up crying. Peridot rushes in.

Peridot: Oh are you okay?

Steven: I think I may have cracked a couple of ribs.

Peridot: I wasn't talking to you.

Topaz: I scratched my epithelial layer.

Peridot: Aw let Daddy kiss it and make it better. Then we can go to the boardwalk.

Moments later the family is on the boardwalk. Onlookers stare at them while Steven and Peridot do their best to ignore it. They finally come to the Big Donut.

Steven: Hey Topaz how would you like to get a treat?

Peridot: Steven no that's a little too advanced for Topaz.

Steven: Nonsense nobody is too young for donuts and this will be a chance for Topaz to socialize.

Peridot: I'm all for socialization.

They enter the Big Donut. Sadie is making a pot of hot coffee drops it as she sees Topaz.

Sadie: I heard about this from Dr. Maheswaran but I thought she was pulling my leg.

Topaz has his face pressed against the glass staring at the donuts.

Steven: Sadie I'd like you to meet my son Topaz. Topaz say hello.

Topaz: Daddy can I have one with sprinkles? Can I?

Steven: Topaz say hello to Sadie

Topaz:(Sticks his head up) Hi.

Steven: We'd like 2 donuts and two cherry sodas please.

Peridot: Steven no! All that sugar.

Steven: Will not do him any harm. This will be a good experience trust me.

Moments later Topaz runs out of the Big Donut in a sugar rush. Steven and Peridot race after him. They finally catch up to him at the Funland arcade. Topaz is jumping up and down.

Topaz: Oh look Mommy blinky lights. Can we go in Mommy can we?

Peridot: Sure why not? You need to burn all that energy

Later Topaz is playing at video game. He smiles as he blasts away then the smile fades and he pukes right on the floor.

Peridot: I told you donuts were too advanced for him.

Mr. Smiley:(Walks in) All right who's responsible for this mess?

Peridot points to Steven.

Smiley:(Handing Steven a mop) All right you know the drill Steven.

Steven grumbles as he mops the floor. In the background Peridot and Topaz play video games. Later the couple leave the arcade. They push a wheelbarrow with a tuckered out Topaz sleeping in it. As they are walking home when Steven's cellphone rings.

Steven: Hello yes this is Steven Universe. My father had a what? Okay I understand, no do what you must. Okay I'll be right there.

Peridot: What was that about?

Steven: That was the hospital. My Dad just had a nervous breakdown. They're moving him to Pleasant Shores.

The next day the family is at Pleasant Shores. Greg is sitting on a deck chair with a blanket wrapped around him. On the next chair is Pearl. Greg is staring out into space when he notices Steven.

Steven: Hi Dad how are you feeling?

Greg: Steven I had the most horrible dream. You and Peridot gave birth to a teenaged son.

Steven: It wasn't a dream Dad. Dad I'd like you to meet Topaz.

Topaz: (Hugs Greg) Grandpa.

Greg: Nooo!

Nurse:(Rushing in) Oh no! He's had a setback. We're going to have to ask you to leave.

Later on it is dinnertime. Steven is eating a microwave Pizza, while Peridot is running a current through her gem. As the power flickers on and off the cell phone rings.

Steven: Yes, this is Steven. You want to what? If you do that my family will be out on the streets. Look I'll work something out. Yes, you'll get your money.

Peridot: Who was that?

Steven: That was the bank. Since my Dad is hospitalized they want to foreclose on the house's mortgage.

Peridot: They can't do that can they?

Topaz: Mommy do we have to move out?

Peridot: Of course not honey.

Steven: We need to make some money. Looks like I'll be working at the carwash.

Peridot: I'll stay home. I'll watch over Topaz and see if we can sell anything at the temple.

The next morning Steven is leaving the house for work. In the background Topaz is up in the rafters. Just as Steven is about to walk out the door Peridot hands him his lunchbox and kisses him. Once he is gone Peridot turns to her son.

Peridot: I'm going to – Topaz get down from there right this instant. (sighs) I can't turn my back on you for a moment can I?

Days later, Steven is trudging home from the carwash. He looks very wet and very tired. Connie approaches him wearing a skimpy T shirt and shorts.

Connie: Steven you look so tired. What happened?

Steven: I just had a rough day at work and now I have to go home and help take care of Topaz.

Connie: You look like you could use a break.

Steven: I'd like that but Topaz and Peridot are waiting for me at home.

Connie: Isn't Peridot there to look after him? Look you're tired you need to take your mind off things. How about we go get some pizza and talk about old times? C'mon it will only take a little while. I'm buying.

Steven:(picks up the cellphone) Hello Peridot I'm going to be staying a little late at work.

At the beach house Peridot puts down the cellphone. She is wearing curlers and a house dress. In the background Topaz is playing with a molecule set.

Peridot: Topaz we're going to pick up Daddy.

At Fish Stew Pizza. Steven and Connie are sharing a large pizza. Connie is patting his shoulder as Steven pours his heart out.

Steven: It's just been so hard. I'm working all the time when I'm not at the carwash I'm helping Peridot take care of Topaz.

Connie: There, there I understand you're all alone.

Steven: No I'm not Peridot has been great with Topaz. But we're both just kids, neither of us are prepared for this. Honestly I don't think anybody is.

Peridot enters with Topaz in tow. She is wearing her old jumpsuit and has much nicer hair than usual.

Peridot: There you are I've been slaving away over a food synthesizer and you're having dinner with your old girlfriend.

Steven: This isn't what it looks like.

Connie: Yes, it is. Steven wants to be with me. You're a weirdo who can't even cook properly.

Steven: Connie Amethyst ate our stove that's why Peridot was working on a food synthesizer.

Peridot: Steven I get it having a family was the last thing on your mind, you're overwhelmed, you're scared. Guess what so am I. Steven I cannot raise Topaz alone. I love you. So please come back home.

Connie: Look Steven and I are destined to be together. The last thing he wants is to be around a pair of freaks like you.

Peridot starts crying. Topaz hugs his mother afraid.

Topaz: Mommy does Daddy not love us?

Steven: That's it Connie you are way out of line.

Takes a pitcher of cola from a nearby table and dumps it over Connie. The girl shocked runs right out of the restaurant.

Peridot: That's it we're going to a marriage counsellor now!

The family is in a waiting room. Topaz is playing on the floor while Steven and Peridot sit next to each other. Steven tries to hug Peridot but she flinches away from his touch. The office door beside them says Harley Quinn Marriage Counselor.

Harley: Steven, Peridot and Topaz I'm ready to see you.

Harley's widen at the sight of what looks like two kids leading a large teenager.

Harley: You're Steven and Peridot but you're just kids!

Peridot: We're actually alien beings.

Harley: And to think when I moved out of Gotham I had left crazy behind. So tell me why you are here?

Steven: Well my Dad was being chased by an alien spaceship.

Peridot: It was a life or death situation.

Steven: So in order to save my Dad's life Peridot and I fused.

Peridot: We defeated the spaceship but then after we separated there was Topaz.

Steven: It all went pear shaped. The Crystal Gems all panicked, my Dad had a nervous breakdown and the bank threatened to foreclose on the beach house. As a result, I had to work at the carwash.

Harley: So let me get this straight. You committed one rash act and now you are living with the consequences of your actions? I can relate to that.

Peridot: It gets worse.

Steven: One night I was coming home from work and my old girlfriend shows up. She offers me pizza and this is no excuse but I was so tired. I just wanted to be a kid again. So I called up Peridot and said I would be late for work then we went out for dinner.

Peridot: Look taking care of Topaz is not easy. You turn your back for one moment (winces as she hears a crash) and that happens plus breastfeeding and diaper changes. I suspected something so I marched straight down and found him with Connie.

Steven: It was awful Connie said Peridot and Topaz were freaks and that I didn't want to be around them. Peridot was crying and then I saw Connie for what she was. So I dumped a pitcher of cola on her.

Peridot: That's when I demanded we go see you.

Harley: So when was the last time you had any fun?

Peridot: Well last week we took Topaz to the park and the boardwalk.

Harley: No I meant as a couple, alone.

Steven: Well once when Topaz was asleep we watched Lonely Blade 6.

Harley: (knocks fists together) I meant you know. Because it seems to me that you both are doing your best to tackle the challenges of adulthood without enjoying the benefits

Peridot: (Blushes) Never, we produced Topaz through fusing.

Harley: Well here's my advice take time to work on your relationship. Get a babysitter and go explore intimacy however you do it.

Steven and Peridot are getting ready to leave the beach house. Peridot is wearing a nice dress while Steven wears a little bow tie. Garnet is with them while Topaz is playing on the floor.

Steven: Now here's the number of the family doctor, the fire department and poison control center. If you have any problems don't hesitate to call us.

Peridot: Topaz's bedtime is eight. I've left some milk in the fridge for him to drink be sure to heat it up. At bedtime read him the Origin of Species by Charles Darwin.

Garnet: Don't worry about a thing I can handle it. Have fun dancing you two.

Peridot: No we're going to engage in coitus.

Steven: Peridot you don't say that.

Peridot: And be sure to give him a bath.

Steven drags Peridot out the door. Peridot is still shouting out instructions.

Garnet:(turns to Topaz) Hey kid your father's favorite TV show is on.

Later Topaz and Garnet are sitting on Steven's bed watching Crying Breakfast Friends

Topaz: Wait why are they crying all the time?

Garnet: Topaz you're young you haven't experienced all of life's sorrows. Well once I

Topaz listens to her story. As Garnet continues Topaz's eyes widen in an expression of horror.

Later that night Peridot and Steven are returning back home.

Peridot:(Nuzzling Steven) Steven I had a wonderful time tonight.

Steven: We did it together and it was great.

Peridot: Yes, it was I can't wait for us to do it again. Now let's see our little angel.

As they open the door. Topaz runs up to them crying.

Topaz: Mommy, Daddy I had a terrible time. Garnet told me this scary story…

Steven sighs as they walk in and try to comfort their son.

A few days later the couple are sitting once again in the marriage counselor's office. The pair are sitting as far apart as possible.

Steven: We had this huge fight.

Peridot: It was just that with all these expenses, Pearl and Greg's hospital bills, the mortgage as well as Amethyst's bail we just can't make ends meet.

Steven: You went into Amethyst's room behind my back. Those were Amethyst's things.

Peridot: I was trying to find something to sell. You work all hours yet the money you bring in isn't enough.

Harley: Money problems eh? the most common reason for a breakup. Peridot you're very capable why not put Topaz in daycare and rob a – no can't suggest that, get a part time job.

Steven: We can't do that.

Harley: Well why not.

Peridot: This maybe Beach City but I can't ask somebody to change a man's diapers

Harley: Well perhaps it is time to make Topaz more independent. Get him toilet trained.

Steven and Peridot: Thank you doctor.

Harley: That'll be $500 in unmarked bills.

The couple are sitting on the bench again.

Steven: Toilet training was very hard.

Peridot: I suggested not giving Topaz human food but Steven was against it.

In the beach house Topaz is staring at the toilet. Steven is outside giving instructions Peridot is beside him.

Topaz: So you want me to do what again?

Peridot: argh this isn't working. Our son needs a demonstration.

Steven: Okay you've been in the bathroom just show him how it's done.

Peridot: Steven I don't have the equipment. You do.

Steven: Peridot can't you just shapeshift the parts?

Peridot getting impatient pushes Steven into the bathroom.

Peridot: No! Steven you are the one the most familiar with this procedure. Now do your duty as a father and show Topaz how it's done.

Peridot: If we thought toilet training was bad. Weening was worse.

Sitting at the Kitchen table, Topaz's eyes tear up when Peridot plunks down a baby bottle.

Topaz: What's the matter Momma? Don't you love me anymore?

Peridot: Topaz you are too big to nurse. Now drink your baby bottle.

Topaz: I want my green bobbas.

Topaz starts crying as Peridot walks away.

Steven: oh boy he's really upset. Why can't you nurse him just this once?

Peridot: Steven we've already been through this. Topaz is too large to suckle.

Steven: He's only 2 months old. Why not?

Peridot: Because I don't want to be arrested again.

Steven and Peridot are sitting on the bench again. Topaz is sitting beside Peridot being very quiet.

Steven: We thought things would get better once Dad and Pearl got released from hospital but it didn't.

Peridot: We couldn't find a daycare to take Topaz

Steven: I didn't have to work as much. But then there's Pearl.

Peridot: She's and Garnet been very controlling acting like they know what's best.

Peridot is at the computer she is typing away as Garnet appears from behind.

Garnet: Job searching? Don't get your hopes up. You still have to take care of your mess.

Peridot: Gah Garnet you startled me and that mess is my son so back off.

Steven: She really said that?

Peridot: Yes, she did.

Back at the beach house Peridot is holding Topaz's hand. Topaz is wearing a light jacket and boots in his hand are a bucket and spade.

Peridot: Topaz and I are going out to the beach.

Pearl: Not with him dressed like that it's January.

Later Topaz is wearing layers and layers of clothing. It is so much that he looks like a giant ball.

Topaz: I can't put my arms down.

Peridot: Come offspring let's get out of here.

It is late at night Peridot is sleeping beside Steven when she hears a strange sound. Sitting straight up she sees her food synthesizer spraying orange goop everywhere. Amethyst is standing with her mouth open catching the goop while Pearl looks on with a screwdriver.

Pearl:(looking ashamed) Just making adjustments to the food synthesizer.

Peridot growls in frustration.

A few nights later Peridot is surfing the net when she finds something. She laughs manically.

Peridot: Steven, Steven come and look at this. It's perfect.

Back at the barn Peridot is putting the final touches on her escape pod while Steven helps pack. Topaz is tied to the fence while the Crystal Gems look on.

Pearl: You're leaving us but why?

Steven: Because Peridot found work off planet that's why.

Amethyst: But dude it's on Homeworld which is ruled by Yellow Diamond.

Garnet: That place is a repressive dictatorship Steven you don't know what you're getting into.

Peridot: But I do. Homeworld may have its little problems but it least it has free healthcare and education.

Pearl: So you're willing to give up your rights and freedoms for that?

Peridot: What rights and freedoms? In the past year under your care I have been tied to a fence, almost beaten to death and then left forgotten in a barn until you have use for me.

Steven: I also heard what you've been saying about Topaz. How dare you call my son a burden? Before I had my powers did you think I was a burden? Well did you?

The gems er and um looking ashamed.

Peridot: Hey Steven untie Topaz it's time to go.

On the bench Steven, Peridot and Topaz are wearing yellow diamond uniforms. In the background is a crystalline cityscape with drones hovering in the sky.

Steven: We're very happy here. Everything's going great we have our own apartment, Peridot has this great job and tomorrow Topaz is going to his first day at school.

Peridot: Everybody has been so kind and understanding, we're no longer alone.

The next day Peridot and Steven drive up in their pod. As Topaz gets out Peridot kisses him.

Peridot: Have fun at the kindergarten.

Topaz smiles and waves, putting on his cheeseburger backpack he runs into a large canyon filled with man shaped holes. Waiting for him are a bunch of young gems of all castes.


	9. Intervention

Intervention

Amethyst: Hi my name is Amethyst. I am a collector.

Amethyst is at the dump. Her eyes light up as she sees a likely find. Diving into the garbage pile Amethyst pulls out something. Squealing she runs home.

Amethyst: I can't help myself there is just so much cool stuff. Pearl gets in my case but whatever.

At the Beach House Pearl and Amethyst are arguing. The subject is Amethyst's room.

Pearl: I've just been in your room how can you live like that?

Amethyst: I like it just fine and what were you trying to do in my room?

Pearl: Trying to get rid of the smell. Which wouldn't a problem if you actually cleaned up once and a while like I told you too.

Amethyst: Hey you can't tell me what to do. Garnet does that.

Garnet: Well there have been some minor problems with Amethyst's hoarding.

Pearl is in Amethyst's room amid the garbage piles searching for something. As she hears an ominous rumbling she turns around only to be caught in an avalanche of garbage. Pearl squawks as she is buried.

In Steven's cubby Steven is sleeping when a moving lump appears under the covers. Steven's eyes snap open and he sits up.

Steven: Peridot?

He pulls back the covers revealing a large rat on his bed.

Garnet: But the last incident was enough.

Garnet is meditating in her room. She sniffs the air. The smell is disgusting. Garnet follows the scent it to its source which is Amethyst's room. Garnet catches sight of Amethyst on a pile of garbage. Marching straight up to Amethyst Garnet calls out to her.

Garnet: Amethyst you need to clean up this room right now.

Amethyst leaps off the pile into one of her puddles. Splashing Garnet with filthy water. As the fusion stands stock still in rage Amethyst swims up to Garnet.

Amethyst: What's that Garnet I didn't hear you?

Later Amethyst is walking into the beach house with a new find. It is a huge sculpture of a chicken made of vinyl. As she struggles with her find she turns and sees a crowd of people sitting in the living room.

Pearl: Sit down we need to talk. It's about your hoarding this has got to stop.

Amethyst: Hey it is my room Pearl stop being so anal and let me be.

Garnet: Yes, Pearl is anal but your hoarding is affecting us all.

Steven: I found a rat in my bed.

Pearl: You have so much stuff we can't even see the walls Amethyst.

Garnet: I've been looking there are several holes in the walls it's a security risk.

Amethyst: This temple is like thousands of years old of course there are holes in the walls. Dudes come on.

Garnet: This temple also has a lot of technology the humans aren't ready for. Pearl and I keep our rooms in good repair why can't you?

Amethyst: Hey I'm fine with the way my room is and I like my stuff okay?

Slinker: Nevertheless your hoarding is endangering yourself and others.

Amethyst: What are you doing here?

Slinker: I live in your room and let me tell you, garbage or not the room is filthy.

Amethyst: If you don't like it move out.

Slinker: It's not just me but Terrance and Philip who are affected.

Two homeless men sit on the couch beside the slinker. They are glaring at Amethyst.

Terrance: I nearly got buried by a pile of garbage. Phil managed to push me away in time.

Amethyst: And what are you two bozos doing in my room?

Phil: We found this cave in the cliffs. When we went in we thought someone was using it as a garbage dump.

Amethyst: And yet you stayed.

Terrance: Hey it was warm and dryish. Also we found lots of stuff to sell. We didn't know anyone was living there until two months ago.

Pearl: That's another point I would like to add. Two homeless guys and a slinker have been living in your room and you didn't even notice.

Amethyst: That's because I have loads and loads of- oooh.

Garnet: Amethyst it is time to clean up. Now before someone gets hurt.

In Amethyst's room Peridot under a pile of garbage.

Peridot: Somebody help me.

Back at the beach house Pearl hands Amethyst a mop. As Amethyst opens the door to her room her jaw drops. Inside are huge piles of garbage, somehow a seagull has gotten inside and is scavenging on a nearby pile.

Amethyst: It's not going to be easy.

Garnet: But you're not going to do it alone.

The gems march inside and face the garbage. They start to work.

Pearl: Okay I've got a system. We put the stuff into three piles. We have the throwaway pile, the sell pile and the keep pile.

The gems start sorting it all seems to be going well until moments later. Pearl is putting a soiled diaper into the throwaway pile.

Amethyst: (Clearly upset) No, don't throw that away.

Pearl: It's a soiled diaper kept here for years.

Amethyst: That's the first diaper I changed for Steven.

Garnet: That's disgusting. Amethyst you have plenty of other mementos of Steven's childhood. Let it go.

Amethyst leaves sobbing. The gems continue their work. Off in the distance Peridot is calling for help. Soon it becomes apparent that they can't tackle tons of garbage.

Pearl: Normally I like tidying things up but this is ridiculous. It will take months, years even to sort things out.

Slinker: Time which we don't have.

Garnet: The corrupted gem is right. We need to bring out the big guns.

Later the gems are at the barn. Lapis races to greet them as Steven looks around expectantly.

Lapis: Steven I'm so glad you're here.

Steven: Hey Lapis good to see you too. Where's Peridot.

Lapis: (frowning) She's in the barn working on some crap right now.

Steven: I'll go see her.

Garnet:(holding Steven back) Steven Peridot's not important. We have a mission to do.

Steven: Yeah right. Lapis we have need of your special skills. Er, Amethyst has been keeping tons of garbage in her room and we need you to use your water to clean it out.

Lapis: Sure Steven whatever you want.

Later the Crystal Gems plus Lapis are at the beach. In front of them is a huge pile of furniture, clothes and Knick knacks.

Amethyst: (panting) Okay that's all the stuff I can't part with.

Steven: Is everybody safely out?

In Amethyst's room the two humans and the slinker are staring at a huge buried axe. In their hands are shovels.

Terrance: Okay let's dig this axe up and then we can leave.

Back at the beach.

Garnet: (Adjusting her glasses) Yes.

Steven: Okay Lapis let her rip.

Lapis' hair moves with an unseen wind. She summons a huge wave and it goes into the temple via one of the holes in the cliff. Once inside the wave washes away the slinker and the two humans as well as Peridot along with the garbage. The wave flows back out carrying tons and tons of garbage out to the sea.

Garnet: Make sure you take that out at least 2 miles out to sea.

Steven: Garnet that isn't right.

Garnet: Hey that's what humans do all the time.

Later that night a small green hand shoots out of the water. Peridot's head and shoulders soon follow. Looking very angry she sees the lights of Beach City and swims towards it.

Back at the Beach House the gems are enjoying a nice cup of cocoa by a roaring fire. Steven has his feet up.

Steven: I'm so glad we dealt with your room. Honestly the smell was really bothering me.

Garnet: And the best thing is we dealt with it before anybody got seriously hurt.

Suddenly the front door burst open. A very wet, very angry Peridot marches in. She has seaweed in her hair. Steven drops his drink as Peridot marches right in to the living room.

Peridot: There you are. What the hells were you doing. I was trapped under a pile of garbage for weeks and nobody came to look for me. Then this huge wave washes me out to sea.

Garnet: Nobody important anyways.

Peridot: Hey!

Steven: Garnet, Amethyst did you know about this?

Amethyst: I remember asking Peridot to build me some cool stuff but I just forgot about it.

Garnet: Oh I knew I just didn't care.

Peridot runs out of the beach house crying. Once she has gone Steven glares angrily at the gems.

Steven: You really did it this time. Guys I knew you weren't a fan of Peridot but this just takes the cake. I'm going after her.

Next: On Megananny Jasper must help the Crystal Gems deal with two rebellious teenagers.

Jasper in a nanny's uniform stares at the gems.

Jasper: So wait you forced Peridot to stay at the barn and then lied to Steven about this? That's messed up. No wonder why they both hate you.


End file.
